-EXTREME RULES
Theme Song: "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen
-The show started with a recap of the events leading to War Games, including a montage of Team Flair attacking Bret Hart after bursting out of janitor's closets.
-ECW TITLE, EXTREME RULES: Hornswoggle vs Chavo Guerrero
Before anyone could ask "Where's Tyson Kid, the ECW champion?" Hornswoggle destroyed Chavo and pinned him with a DDT. DUD.
-EXTREME RULES: CM Punk vs Triple H
Early MOTY canidate as Triple H was in rare form and CM Punk was also on his A game. Match ended when Serena broke up a Pedigree attempt. Triple H was about to Pedigree Serena, but Punk superkicked him and hit him with the Shiranui for the three count. ****
-EXTREME RULES: Randy Orton vs Ted DiBiase
Surprisingly good follow-up, the hot crowd helping as this back and forth battle used everything but the kitchen sink (did use the bathroom one though). Orton won after putting Ted on his shoulders and throwing him off into a cutter, which Matt Striker called the "ROTFL", and got the three count. ***3/4
-IC TITLE, TABLES MATCH: The Undertaker vs Drew McIntyre (c)
Not as good as the last two matches as it was pretty much "Im going to put you through this table" "NO! I'm putting YOU through this table". The end came when Undertaker did the rope walk, and mistimed his jump so that he crashed feet first through a table, allowing Drew McIntyre to get the win. **1/4
TAG TEAM TITLES, EXTREME RULES: ShoMiz vs Brian Daniel-san and Kung Fu Naki (c)
Pretty much a repeat of their last match, with Miz and Show occasionally grabbing weapons only to get them crane kicked in the face... they actually fell for this about five or six times. Daniel-san would eventually beat Show with a Russian Leg Sweep to retain the titles. *3/4
-WAR GAMES: Team Hart (Bret Hart, Dusty Rhodes, Jim Duggan, Jerry Lawler, and Bob Backlund) vs Team Flair ( Ric Flair, Jake Roberts, Jimmy Hart, Randy Savage, and Tony Atlas)
Ever wanted to see ten over-the-hill wrestlers trade weak chops for twenty minuites? Then you would LOVE this match, as that's what essentially happened until everyone hit everyone with their trademark spots, until Flair got a Figure Four on Bret Hart, and Vince McMahon would ring the fucking bell to mercifully end this match. 1/4*
-WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE, EXTREME RULES: Edge vs Vickie Guerrrero vs Chris Jericho(c)
This would have been somewhat tolerable if Vickie just sat in the corner while Edge and Jericho did their thing, but not only did Vickie get involved, Edge actually had to bump for her! Eventually Edge managed to get her out of the way long enough to spear Jericho, but then Vickie threatened to hit him with her shoe so he speared her too, while at the same time getting hit by the shoe. Vickie landed on top of Jericho, one, two, three. Our new World Heavyweight champion: Vickie Guerrero. 1/2*
-WWE TITLE + CONTRACT VS BANISHMENT LADDER MATCH: Shawn Micheals vs Glen Jacobs(c)
Instead of the dramatic showdown this should have been, Jacobs essentially steamrolled Micheals. Jacobs would go to the ladder and Micheals would barely get up as well, prompting Jacobs to chokeslam (well, chokeshove) Micheals off... and HBK landed awkwardly on his arm in the process. Jacobs would grab the breifcase as the referee threw up the X and carted Shawn off. **3/4
Overall Show: 71%
Best Segment: Hype Intro 93%
Best Match: Punk/Triple H 90%
Worst Match: Hornswoggle/Chavo 46%
We got a 1.68 buy rate for 'Extreme Rules'!
The attendance was 17610 people.
We made $4200000 from pay-per-view revenue.
We made $1056600 from ticket sales.
(Shawn Micheals injured his tricep due to the finish of the ladder match.)
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
4/23/10 Smackdown
4/23/10 Smackdown
-More Extreme Rules hype, including highlights of the drama leading up to War Games, and a montage of Team Flair bursting out of broom closets.
-Vince McMahon then announces that the 4/26 Raw will be in Reno Nevada, and will be featuring Reno's finest, Lt. Dangle, as the guest host.
-Chris Jericho and Vickie Guerrero talk about Extreme Rules, then start to make out. Chris stops to put some breath freshener in Vickie's mouth before continuing.
-After a commercial break, Jimmy Wang Yang is found KO'd backstage
-SKANK WAR GAMES: Serena, Michelle McCool, Alicia Fox, Natalya Neidhart, and Layla vs Mickie James, Brie Bella, Nikki Bella, Kelly Kelly, and Melina
Atrotiously bad and boring match that is saved by Natalya getting a screwdriver and shanking Melina into submission.
No, really. That's what actually happened. *1/4
-JTG vs Josh Martin
Never happened, as Alex Martin ran in right before the bell to beat on JTG. Shad Gaspard would then run in to chase them off, then threaten them with a bone chilling promo...
"GEOGRAPHY... IS EDUCATIONAL!"
N/A on the rating
-Mr X vs Drew McIntyre
Mr X gets NO OFFENSE IN as Drew destroys him and hits Future Shock for the pinfall victory. -*
-Drew McIntyre then declared he would defend his IC title against Undertaker at Extreme Rules in a tables match. All of a sudden, the announce team's table caught on fire, a lightning bolt would hit the spanish announce teams' table, and a flock of pigeons inexplicably flew out from under the ring.
-Triple H and Edge vs CM Punk and Chris Jericho
Very entertaining tag match that ends when Edge is about to spear Jericho but Vickie Guerrero hits him with her SHOE OF DEATH for the DQ. This prompts Stephanie McMahon to enter the ring and catfight with Vickie Guerrero for five minuites straight, while CM Punk throws up an X every time the camera gets him in view. ***1/2
-Santa Monica Sheamus in the back with Gene Okerlund.
Sheamus: "You know something Mean Gene, when there's somethin' strange and it don't look good dude, you don't call the Ghostbusters. You call Santa Monica Sheamus brother. And Glen Jacobs' brother, brother, is the Undertaker. That's why tonight I plan on getting in the ring with Undertaker dude, and it doesn't matter if he has the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man or Slimer with him brother, because WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN SHEAMUS CROSSES THE STREAMS ON YOU!"
-Santa Monica Sheamus vs Undertaker
Surprisingly decent contest ending with Sheamus noselling the tombstone, hitting a big boot, then the leg drop for the pinfall. Then Sheamus flexed the night away as Drew McIntyre attacked Undertaker with a box of potstickers. *1/2
Overall Show: 72%
Highlight: Vince announces that Raw Is Reno 95%
Lowlight: Drew McIntyre vs Mr X 47%
We got a 4.88 rating for 'SmackDown'!
The attendance level was 8039 people.
We made $321560 from ticket sales.
-More Extreme Rules hype, including highlights of the drama leading up to War Games, and a montage of Team Flair bursting out of broom closets.
-Vince McMahon then announces that the 4/26 Raw will be in Reno Nevada, and will be featuring Reno's finest, Lt. Dangle, as the guest host.
-Chris Jericho and Vickie Guerrero talk about Extreme Rules, then start to make out. Chris stops to put some breath freshener in Vickie's mouth before continuing.
-After a commercial break, Jimmy Wang Yang is found KO'd backstage
-SKANK WAR GAMES: Serena, Michelle McCool, Alicia Fox, Natalya Neidhart, and Layla vs Mickie James, Brie Bella, Nikki Bella, Kelly Kelly, and Melina
Atrotiously bad and boring match that is saved by Natalya getting a screwdriver and shanking Melina into submission.
No, really. That's what actually happened. *1/4
-JTG vs Josh Martin
Never happened, as Alex Martin ran in right before the bell to beat on JTG. Shad Gaspard would then run in to chase them off, then threaten them with a bone chilling promo...
"GEOGRAPHY... IS EDUCATIONAL!"
N/A on the rating
-Mr X vs Drew McIntyre
Mr X gets NO OFFENSE IN as Drew destroys him and hits Future Shock for the pinfall victory. -*
-Drew McIntyre then declared he would defend his IC title against Undertaker at Extreme Rules in a tables match. All of a sudden, the announce team's table caught on fire, a lightning bolt would hit the spanish announce teams' table, and a flock of pigeons inexplicably flew out from under the ring.
-Triple H and Edge vs CM Punk and Chris Jericho
Very entertaining tag match that ends when Edge is about to spear Jericho but Vickie Guerrero hits him with her SHOE OF DEATH for the DQ. This prompts Stephanie McMahon to enter the ring and catfight with Vickie Guerrero for five minuites straight, while CM Punk throws up an X every time the camera gets him in view. ***1/2
-Santa Monica Sheamus in the back with Gene Okerlund.
Sheamus: "You know something Mean Gene, when there's somethin' strange and it don't look good dude, you don't call the Ghostbusters. You call Santa Monica Sheamus brother. And Glen Jacobs' brother, brother, is the Undertaker. That's why tonight I plan on getting in the ring with Undertaker dude, and it doesn't matter if he has the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man or Slimer with him brother, because WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN SHEAMUS CROSSES THE STREAMS ON YOU!"
-Santa Monica Sheamus vs Undertaker
Surprisingly decent contest ending with Sheamus noselling the tombstone, hitting a big boot, then the leg drop for the pinfall. Then Sheamus flexed the night away as Drew McIntyre attacked Undertaker with a box of potstickers. *1/2
Overall Show: 72%
Highlight: Vince announces that Raw Is Reno 95%
Lowlight: Drew McIntyre vs Mr X 47%
We got a 4.88 rating for 'SmackDown'!
The attendance level was 8039 people.
We made $321560 from ticket sales.
Monday, April 19, 2010
4/22/10 Superstars
4/22/10 Superstars
-The show opened again with Extreme Rules hype, including recaps of Glen Jacobs' feud with Shawn Micheals.
-Mark Henry was in the back, dressed in an Armani suit, his hair bleached, earrings, and pink sunglasses.
Henry: "Montel, doll, I know you're upset about me breaking up our little duo, but Metrosexual Chocolate just couldn't stand being with you... I mean, just look at your HAIR! You don't even use head and shoulders. Oh, and that '305' gold chain? So totally tacky. After tonight though, and my manicure of course, WWE is going to get a makeover, sweetheart."
-MVP vs METROSEXUAL CHOCOLATE
Henry came out to a remix of his old "Sexual Chocolate" theme. MVP was in control at first but the strength of Metrosexual Chocolate was overwhelming, and he fell to the "World's Most FABULOUS Slam" for the three count. **
-CHRIS MASTERS and ZACK RYDER vs DOLPH ZIGGLER and EZEKIEL JACKSON
Pretty much a match to give these guys TV time, as before the match got into second gear Glen Jacobs hit the ring and cleaned house. *1/4
-Santa Monica Sheamus was in the back watching Jacobs
Sheamus: "Let me tell you something Mean Gene, to see Glen Jacobs attacking people like that makes my blood boil brother. But after Extreme Rules dude, I'm going to take the title from him brother. Until then I got to worry about that no-good Ruskie Nikolai Volkoff dude. WHATCHA GONNA DO VOLKOFF? WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN SANTA MONICA SHEAMUS RUNS OVER YOU?!"
-SANTA MONICA SHEAMUS vs VLADIMIR KOZLOV
Pretty much all Sheamus, who blocked a battering ram with a big boot and followed up with a leg drop for the win. Afterwards he spent the last 30 minuites of the show flexing. *1/4
Overall Show: 71%
Highlight: Extreme Rules hypejob 95%(!)
Lowlight: Sheamus/Kozlov 61%
We got a 2.76 rating for 'WWE Superstars'!
The attendance level was 8026 people.
We made $321040 from ticket sales.
-The show opened again with Extreme Rules hype, including recaps of Glen Jacobs' feud with Shawn Micheals.
-Mark Henry was in the back, dressed in an Armani suit, his hair bleached, earrings, and pink sunglasses.
Henry: "Montel, doll, I know you're upset about me breaking up our little duo, but Metrosexual Chocolate just couldn't stand being with you... I mean, just look at your HAIR! You don't even use head and shoulders. Oh, and that '305' gold chain? So totally tacky. After tonight though, and my manicure of course, WWE is going to get a makeover, sweetheart."
-MVP vs METROSEXUAL CHOCOLATE
Henry came out to a remix of his old "Sexual Chocolate" theme. MVP was in control at first but the strength of Metrosexual Chocolate was overwhelming, and he fell to the "World's Most FABULOUS Slam" for the three count. **
-CHRIS MASTERS and ZACK RYDER vs DOLPH ZIGGLER and EZEKIEL JACKSON
Pretty much a match to give these guys TV time, as before the match got into second gear Glen Jacobs hit the ring and cleaned house. *1/4
-Santa Monica Sheamus was in the back watching Jacobs
Sheamus: "Let me tell you something Mean Gene, to see Glen Jacobs attacking people like that makes my blood boil brother. But after Extreme Rules dude, I'm going to take the title from him brother. Until then I got to worry about that no-good Ruskie Nikolai Volkoff dude. WHATCHA GONNA DO VOLKOFF? WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN SANTA MONICA SHEAMUS RUNS OVER YOU?!"
-SANTA MONICA SHEAMUS vs VLADIMIR KOZLOV
Pretty much all Sheamus, who blocked a battering ram with a big boot and followed up with a leg drop for the win. Afterwards he spent the last 30 minuites of the show flexing. *1/4
Overall Show: 71%
Highlight: Extreme Rules hypejob 95%(!)
Lowlight: Sheamus/Kozlov 61%
We got a 2.76 rating for 'WWE Superstars'!
The attendance level was 8026 people.
We made $321040 from ticket sales.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
4/20/10 NXT
4/20/10 NXT
-Instead of a shillfest, Micheal Cole is backstage with Matt Striker going over the Extreme Rules main attractions: Glen Jacobs vs Shawn Micheals in an All-Or-Nothing Ladder Match for a contract and the WWE title, Edge vs Vickie Guerrero vs Chris Jericho in an Extreme Intergender Triple Threat Match for the World Heavyweight title, and of course, the War Games match, Team Flair vs Team Hitman. Cole then says tonight in a preview of Extreme Rules, there will be an all-rookie War Games match, with the winning team in the four-way last week, The Martin Brothers, as co-captains against "The man with the charisma of a kazoo" Brian Daniel-san and David Otunga. Matt Striker was asked for his thoughts, and he simply shoved Micheal Cole into a locker and put a padlock over it, swallowing the key.
-THE MIZ vs KUNG FU NAKI
Another Extreme Rules preview as ShoMiz is set to rematch for their tag belts. Back and forth battle with Funaki starting out slow but building momentum, until Big Show started walking down the ramp, allowing Miz to hit Skull-Crushing Finale for the three count. *
-WAR GAMES: Team BriTunga (Brian Daniel-san, David Otunga, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, and Darren Young) vs Team Martin (Alex Martin, Josh Martin, Michael Tarver, Wade Barrett, and Skip Sheffield)
Insane clusterfuck of a match that featured lots of double team moves and attempted finishers, but Brian Daniel-san would get the win for his team by hitting Josh Martin with a Russian Leg Sweep. *1/2
-Ric Flair was watching in the back, and looked to the camera.
"You see that, Bret? WAR GAMES BABY! The craziest most dangerous fight in the business! Now you may have Jimmy Snuka as your fifth man, but it doesn't matter. You have Dusty Rhodes, but- WHOO- he hasn't wrestled in years! You got Jerry Lawler, a never-was from Memphis, and Bob Backlund who lost his second title in eight friggin seconds! But me, Bret? I got more War Games experience than your entire team COMBINED! And I'm leading MY team to prove that once and for all, YOU are not on my level. WHOOO!"
-Santa Monica Sheamus walked into the interview.
"Well let me tell you somethin' Ric Flair, you may be a legend, you may be a 16-time champion, but Flair, there's one thing Santa Monica Sheamus has that you don't brother..."
Flair: "Micheal Jackson skin?"
Sheamus: "NO brother! I'm talkin' the Sheamusamaniacs! You and me Flair, we're gonna prove who the true 80s icon is tonight brother, right here in Austrailia, and you say to be the man you gotta beat the man brother... well, I'm not a man dude, I'm an IMMORTAL! And when I beat the man brother, I'm going to get one step closer to Glen Jacobs! WHATCHA GONNA DO FLAIR!"
Flair slaps Sheamus, who SHEAMUSES UP and points at Flair, who just shakes his head and walks off...
-SANTA MONICA SHEAMUS vs RIC FLAIR
Flair was in control for most of the match, using his dirty tacts to get ahead. When he went for the Figure Four though, Sheamus kicked him off, hit the boot then the leg drop for the win. 1/4*
Overall Show: 64%
Highlight: Flair promo 87%
Lowlight: Sheamus/Flair 57%
Ratings: 2.54
-Instead of a shillfest, Micheal Cole is backstage with Matt Striker going over the Extreme Rules main attractions: Glen Jacobs vs Shawn Micheals in an All-Or-Nothing Ladder Match for a contract and the WWE title, Edge vs Vickie Guerrero vs Chris Jericho in an Extreme Intergender Triple Threat Match for the World Heavyweight title, and of course, the War Games match, Team Flair vs Team Hitman. Cole then says tonight in a preview of Extreme Rules, there will be an all-rookie War Games match, with the winning team in the four-way last week, The Martin Brothers, as co-captains against "The man with the charisma of a kazoo" Brian Daniel-san and David Otunga. Matt Striker was asked for his thoughts, and he simply shoved Micheal Cole into a locker and put a padlock over it, swallowing the key.
-THE MIZ vs KUNG FU NAKI
Another Extreme Rules preview as ShoMiz is set to rematch for their tag belts. Back and forth battle with Funaki starting out slow but building momentum, until Big Show started walking down the ramp, allowing Miz to hit Skull-Crushing Finale for the three count. *
-WAR GAMES: Team BriTunga (Brian Daniel-san, David Otunga, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, and Darren Young) vs Team Martin (Alex Martin, Josh Martin, Michael Tarver, Wade Barrett, and Skip Sheffield)
Insane clusterfuck of a match that featured lots of double team moves and attempted finishers, but Brian Daniel-san would get the win for his team by hitting Josh Martin with a Russian Leg Sweep. *1/2
-Ric Flair was watching in the back, and looked to the camera.
"You see that, Bret? WAR GAMES BABY! The craziest most dangerous fight in the business! Now you may have Jimmy Snuka as your fifth man, but it doesn't matter. You have Dusty Rhodes, but- WHOO- he hasn't wrestled in years! You got Jerry Lawler, a never-was from Memphis, and Bob Backlund who lost his second title in eight friggin seconds! But me, Bret? I got more War Games experience than your entire team COMBINED! And I'm leading MY team to prove that once and for all, YOU are not on my level. WHOOO!"
-Santa Monica Sheamus walked into the interview.
"Well let me tell you somethin' Ric Flair, you may be a legend, you may be a 16-time champion, but Flair, there's one thing Santa Monica Sheamus has that you don't brother..."
Flair: "Micheal Jackson skin?"
Sheamus: "NO brother! I'm talkin' the Sheamusamaniacs! You and me Flair, we're gonna prove who the true 80s icon is tonight brother, right here in Austrailia, and you say to be the man you gotta beat the man brother... well, I'm not a man dude, I'm an IMMORTAL! And when I beat the man brother, I'm going to get one step closer to Glen Jacobs! WHATCHA GONNA DO FLAIR!"
Flair slaps Sheamus, who SHEAMUSES UP and points at Flair, who just shakes his head and walks off...
-SANTA MONICA SHEAMUS vs RIC FLAIR
Flair was in control for most of the match, using his dirty tacts to get ahead. When he went for the Figure Four though, Sheamus kicked him off, hit the boot then the leg drop for the win. 1/4*
Overall Show: 64%
Highlight: Flair promo 87%
Lowlight: Sheamus/Flair 57%
Ratings: 2.54
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
4/19/10 RAW IS SNUKA!
4/19/10 Raw
Guest Host: Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka
-We open with a montage (MONTAAAAAAAAAAGE) of the top stars of the promotion to hype Extreme Rules, ending with a shot of the War Games cage.
-Santa Monica Sheamus would be in the back with Gene Oaklerlund.
SMS: "Let me tell you somethin' Mean Gene, tonight the Sheamuster has to face off against that no-good stinkin' giant Great Khali, dude. Nobody can slam him, brother, but I know my little Sheamusamaniacs are on my side brother, and when I'm done with Great Khali, dude, I'm going right for the belt. WHATCHA GONNA DO GLEN JACOBS? WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN SHEAMUSAMANIA RUNS ALL OVER YOU?!
-GREAT KHALI vs SANTA MONICA SHEAMUS
This match was an utter trainwreck, and was ended rather hurriedly when Sheamus booted Khali and then hit the Atomic Leg Drop for a three count. -*
-Then, they announced the arrival of Jimmy Snuka. His music played, and he walked around the ring, doing his handsign with both hands the entire way, before heading backstage.
No, really. That's ALL HE DID.
-WWE UNIFIED TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: MVP and MARK HENRY vs KUNG FU NAKI and BRIAN DANIEL-SAN
By the numbers face vs face tag match... until Mark Henry inexplicably dropped off the apron and walked away, leaving MVP open to a Russian Leg Sweep from Daniel-san. Before Henry could get to the top of the ramp, though, Randy Orton, also with no explanation whatsoever, ran to Henry and gave him an ROFL, before saying: "lol I fite fur justis and all wrasslerkind..." **1/4
-Bret Hart was out next, and declared that the fifth man for his War Games team would be Jimmy Snuka. Ric Flair would rush down the ring while Bret was talking about their war of words, and Hart would get hit with a steel chair, and do a blade job as we went to commercial.
-JOHN CENA vs MR X
Attitude Adjustment, 1 2 3. Cena celebrated for a moment, then yelled "MY TOSTADAS ARE BURNING!" then rushes out to the back. DUD.
-Tyson Kidd is in the ring, and Jimmy Snuka would come out again, hand him the ECW title, and walk out while doing the hand signs. Apparently Tyson Kidd is the new ECW champion.
-Shawn Micheals and Glen Jacobs sign the contract for their All Or Nothing ladder match at Extreme Rules. Shawn signs first, then after Glen does, Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music, then 'pins' him. Why, nobody knows, as the upcoming match is a ladder match...
-Goldust is walking backstage starting at 10:20....
-And at 10:55, GOLDUST VS JACK SWAGGER
Short but sweet five minuite match with Goldust starting strong, Jack getting the momentum, but falling victim to the Golden Globes for the three count. Goldust then asks "WHO'S.... (deep breath, self grope)....NEXXXXXXXXXXXXT?" *3/4
SHOW RATING: 64%
Highlight: Contract Signing for Extreme Rules 89%
Lowlight: John Cena vs Mr X 44%
We got a 6.85 rating for 'Raw'!
The attendance level was 8013 people.
We made $320520 from ticket sales.
Guest Host: Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka
-We open with a montage (MONTAAAAAAAAAAGE) of the top stars of the promotion to hype Extreme Rules, ending with a shot of the War Games cage.
-Santa Monica Sheamus would be in the back with Gene Oaklerlund.
SMS: "Let me tell you somethin' Mean Gene, tonight the Sheamuster has to face off against that no-good stinkin' giant Great Khali, dude. Nobody can slam him, brother, but I know my little Sheamusamaniacs are on my side brother, and when I'm done with Great Khali, dude, I'm going right for the belt. WHATCHA GONNA DO GLEN JACOBS? WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN SHEAMUSAMANIA RUNS ALL OVER YOU?!
-GREAT KHALI vs SANTA MONICA SHEAMUS
This match was an utter trainwreck, and was ended rather hurriedly when Sheamus booted Khali and then hit the Atomic Leg Drop for a three count. -*
-Then, they announced the arrival of Jimmy Snuka. His music played, and he walked around the ring, doing his handsign with both hands the entire way, before heading backstage.
No, really. That's ALL HE DID.
-WWE UNIFIED TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: MVP and MARK HENRY vs KUNG FU NAKI and BRIAN DANIEL-SAN
By the numbers face vs face tag match... until Mark Henry inexplicably dropped off the apron and walked away, leaving MVP open to a Russian Leg Sweep from Daniel-san. Before Henry could get to the top of the ramp, though, Randy Orton, also with no explanation whatsoever, ran to Henry and gave him an ROFL, before saying: "lol I fite fur justis and all wrasslerkind..." **1/4
-Bret Hart was out next, and declared that the fifth man for his War Games team would be Jimmy Snuka. Ric Flair would rush down the ring while Bret was talking about their war of words, and Hart would get hit with a steel chair, and do a blade job as we went to commercial.
-JOHN CENA vs MR X
Attitude Adjustment, 1 2 3. Cena celebrated for a moment, then yelled "MY TOSTADAS ARE BURNING!" then rushes out to the back. DUD.
-Tyson Kidd is in the ring, and Jimmy Snuka would come out again, hand him the ECW title, and walk out while doing the hand signs. Apparently Tyson Kidd is the new ECW champion.
-Shawn Micheals and Glen Jacobs sign the contract for their All Or Nothing ladder match at Extreme Rules. Shawn signs first, then after Glen does, Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music, then 'pins' him. Why, nobody knows, as the upcoming match is a ladder match...
-Goldust is walking backstage starting at 10:20....
-And at 10:55, GOLDUST VS JACK SWAGGER
Short but sweet five minuite match with Goldust starting strong, Jack getting the momentum, but falling victim to the Golden Globes for the three count. Goldust then asks "WHO'S.... (deep breath, self grope)....NEXXXXXXXXXXXXT?" *3/4
SHOW RATING: 64%
Highlight: Contract Signing for Extreme Rules 89%
Lowlight: John Cena vs Mr X 44%
We got a 6.85 rating for 'Raw'!
The attendance level was 8013 people.
We made $320520 from ticket sales.
4/16/10 Smackdown
4/16/10 Smackdown
-SHILLING TIME! Today's product: A new feel-good comedy by WWE Films: Jericho Eye For The Straight Edge Guy. When CM Punk (played by Cody Rhodes) has body image issues, he decides to get a makeover... from Chris Jericho (played by Edge)! Features music by Fozzy (Played by Spinal Tap)
-Stephanie McMahon is backstage, when Vickie Guerrero rushes in from behind her, tackling her and ripping her clothes off, leaving her in her underwear before trying to strangle her with her shirt. Officials quickly moved to get Vickie Guerrero off her.
-DOLPH ZIGGLER VS REY MYSTERIO
Typical Rey match where Ziggler gets early offense, but gets countered often later on into big moves. Eventually Rey wins with the 619 to a splash. *1/2
-Santa Monica Sheamus is shown at a strip mall in New Mexico.
Sheamus: I'm here in Mexico brother because I know my Sheamusamaniacs love only one thing as much as buying my merchandise and watching me wrestle, dude... and that's SODA, brother! So I'm here dude to promote the grand opening of my new store, brother... SODAMANIA! We got high quality sodas for your kids, plus lots of T-shirts to buy brother! Let's hear from my little Sheamussters. Hey kids, whos your favorite sports entertainer dude?
Kid: Undertaker.
Sheamus: What about me, brother, Santa Monica Sheamus?
Kid: Pbbt, you're just a jobber. And this soda is just marked up cans of Check soda!
Sheamus: No little dude, that's LEG DROP ORIGINAL brother! As you can see, all my Sheamusamaniacs are loving my store, so bring your kids here today!
Sheamus goes into a pose routine as we head into commercial.
-Mr. McMahon would appear after the break, announcing next week's Raw GM: JIMMY SNUKA!
-Then, we had Cryme Time talking to kids again.
JTG: Alright kids, today we're going to teach you about Shakespeare. Sheakespeare was a famous author...
Kid 1: Don't you mean playwright?
JTG: Uh, yeah that... and he wrote lots of plays and poems too.
Shad: GEOGRAPHY IS EDUCATIONAL!
JTG just looks at Shad for a minuite, then turns to the kids.
JTG: His most famous play is "Romeo and Juliet". It's a classic story about love, which ends in a shocking manner. Can anyone guess how it ends?
Kid 2: They both die.
JTG: That's right!
Kid 2: Every main character dies in his tragedies. He's more predictable than WWE's booking.
JTG: (whispers) Kid, you can't break kayfabe we're live...
Kid 2: Well that's what they get for airing this live without a script!
Quick cut to commercial.
-CM PUNK AND LUKE GALLOWS vs TRIPLE H AND RANDY ORTON
A surprisingly top-notch match for TV that goes nearly 20 minuites, with Punk and Gallows using most of the match to double team Trips. However, Orton manages to pick up the win for his team with the ROFL (formerly RKO) and pick up the win. Orton then told Punk "im in ur smakdownz, beatin ur cult members, lol..." ***
-Ezekiel Jackson would be shown backstage laid out in a pool of his own blood.
-UNDERTAKER vs MR X
Mr X amazes the crowd by getting his most offense ever in a WWE ring: Two kicks to the gut. Taker responds with a chokeslam and a tombstone to get the win. After the match Drew McIntyre rushes in and clocks Undertaker with the IC belt. DUD
-McIntyre is not done, though, and gets a table from under the ring, setting it up a few feet from the apron. He grabs Undertaker and slowly drags him to the apron, then hits the Future Shock off the apron through the table. Inexplicably, the fans chant "NXT! NXT! NXT!"
-VLADIMIR KOZLOV vs EDGE
Kozlov is in control most of this match, with Edge getting the occasional hope spot but falling shy of victory thanks to Kozlov's sheer power. Kozlov tries to gorilla press Edge who floats over into a reverse X-factor, then sets up for the spear, but Vickie Guerrero rushes in with a megaphone (supposedly stolen from Jimmy Hart) and yells "EXCUSE ME!" to shock Edge, allowing Kozlov to battering ram him for the three count. *1/4
Overall Show: 72%
Highlight: Snuka announced as guest host 93%
Lowlight: Undertaker vs Mr X 48%
Ratings: 5.19
-SHILLING TIME! Today's product: A new feel-good comedy by WWE Films: Jericho Eye For The Straight Edge Guy. When CM Punk (played by Cody Rhodes) has body image issues, he decides to get a makeover... from Chris Jericho (played by Edge)! Features music by Fozzy (Played by Spinal Tap)
-Stephanie McMahon is backstage, when Vickie Guerrero rushes in from behind her, tackling her and ripping her clothes off, leaving her in her underwear before trying to strangle her with her shirt. Officials quickly moved to get Vickie Guerrero off her.
-DOLPH ZIGGLER VS REY MYSTERIO
Typical Rey match where Ziggler gets early offense, but gets countered often later on into big moves. Eventually Rey wins with the 619 to a splash. *1/2
-Santa Monica Sheamus is shown at a strip mall in New Mexico.
Sheamus: I'm here in Mexico brother because I know my Sheamusamaniacs love only one thing as much as buying my merchandise and watching me wrestle, dude... and that's SODA, brother! So I'm here dude to promote the grand opening of my new store, brother... SODAMANIA! We got high quality sodas for your kids, plus lots of T-shirts to buy brother! Let's hear from my little Sheamussters. Hey kids, whos your favorite sports entertainer dude?
Kid: Undertaker.
Sheamus: What about me, brother, Santa Monica Sheamus?
Kid: Pbbt, you're just a jobber. And this soda is just marked up cans of Check soda!
Sheamus: No little dude, that's LEG DROP ORIGINAL brother! As you can see, all my Sheamusamaniacs are loving my store, so bring your kids here today!
Sheamus goes into a pose routine as we head into commercial.
-Mr. McMahon would appear after the break, announcing next week's Raw GM: JIMMY SNUKA!
-Then, we had Cryme Time talking to kids again.
JTG: Alright kids, today we're going to teach you about Shakespeare. Sheakespeare was a famous author...
Kid 1: Don't you mean playwright?
JTG: Uh, yeah that... and he wrote lots of plays and poems too.
Shad: GEOGRAPHY IS EDUCATIONAL!
JTG just looks at Shad for a minuite, then turns to the kids.
JTG: His most famous play is "Romeo and Juliet". It's a classic story about love, which ends in a shocking manner. Can anyone guess how it ends?
Kid 2: They both die.
JTG: That's right!
Kid 2: Every main character dies in his tragedies. He's more predictable than WWE's booking.
JTG: (whispers) Kid, you can't break kayfabe we're live...
Kid 2: Well that's what they get for airing this live without a script!
Quick cut to commercial.
-CM PUNK AND LUKE GALLOWS vs TRIPLE H AND RANDY ORTON
A surprisingly top-notch match for TV that goes nearly 20 minuites, with Punk and Gallows using most of the match to double team Trips. However, Orton manages to pick up the win for his team with the ROFL (formerly RKO) and pick up the win. Orton then told Punk "im in ur smakdownz, beatin ur cult members, lol..." ***
-Ezekiel Jackson would be shown backstage laid out in a pool of his own blood.
-UNDERTAKER vs MR X
Mr X amazes the crowd by getting his most offense ever in a WWE ring: Two kicks to the gut. Taker responds with a chokeslam and a tombstone to get the win. After the match Drew McIntyre rushes in and clocks Undertaker with the IC belt. DUD
-McIntyre is not done, though, and gets a table from under the ring, setting it up a few feet from the apron. He grabs Undertaker and slowly drags him to the apron, then hits the Future Shock off the apron through the table. Inexplicably, the fans chant "NXT! NXT! NXT!"
-VLADIMIR KOZLOV vs EDGE
Kozlov is in control most of this match, with Edge getting the occasional hope spot but falling shy of victory thanks to Kozlov's sheer power. Kozlov tries to gorilla press Edge who floats over into a reverse X-factor, then sets up for the spear, but Vickie Guerrero rushes in with a megaphone (supposedly stolen from Jimmy Hart) and yells "EXCUSE ME!" to shock Edge, allowing Kozlov to battering ram him for the three count. *1/4
Overall Show: 72%
Highlight: Snuka announced as guest host 93%
Lowlight: Undertaker vs Mr X 48%
Ratings: 5.19
Monday, April 12, 2010
4/15/2010 Superstars
4/15/2010 Superstars
-The show stars with more shilling! Today's merch: R-Truth's 2011 Motivational Phrase Of The Day Calendar! 365 thought-provoking messages.... For example, Jan 12: "What's up?!". Or May 18th: "What's up?!" And who will ever forget November 24th: "What's up?!". Be as creative and exciting as Ron Killings' gimmick today!
-CARLITO vs R-TRUTH
R-Truth gives us some more previews of his calendar before the match begins, and it's a typical back-and-forth battle between these two that ends with Carlito hitting R-Truth with an apple. Not spitting, mind you, he threw it at his head and R-Truth fell down unconsious, and was taken to the back on a stretcher. **1/4
Commercial Break
-BIG SHOW vs MR X
The two locked up for about five minuites. Show shoves him into the ropes, knockout punch, over. -*
-Ted DiBiase would confront Cody Rhodes, and offer him... *closeup* ONE MILLION DOLLARS to injure his father Dusty Rhodes before Extreme Rules so Ted can, and I quote, "Beat the Spread". Cody refuses and Ted starts to attack him, until RANDY ORTON rushes in. Orton yells "LOL SUPRIZE FACE TURN!" and hits him with a cutter, then says "Iz in ur cheep shots, doin mah ROFL". Instead of helping Cody up, he walks away, passing by Vince McMahon and saying "Oh hai I upgraded ur ratingz, kthnxbai."
-Now we go to Monday Night Raw, where Glen Jacobs chokeslammed Sheamus over the ropes landing headfirst. Gene Okerlund is in the ring.
Gene: Ladies and gentlemen as you just saw on Raw Glen Jacobs manhandled Sheamus. I have been told that Sheamus severed a severe concussion and will never again return to the ring. Our thoughts a-
Gene is cut off by the sounds of "Real American" as Sheamus comes out, wearing yellow tights and a yellow "SHEAMUS RULES" T-Shirt, going into the ring and taking a mic.
Sheamus: Let me tell ya somethin' Mean Gene, I admit I took a nasty fall brother, but Santa Monica Sheamus is in fact at one hundred percent dude. And I know Shawn Micheals is going to have his match against Glen Jacobs, brother, but Glen, brother, you better think twice about winning dude, because I'm going to eat my prayers, drink my vitamins and say my milk until April 26th, because if Glen Jacobs wins at Extreme Rules brother, I'm calling him out. WHATCHA GONNA DO GLEN? WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN SHEAMUSAMANIA RUNS ALL OVER YOU?!
-BATISTA VS JIMMY WANG YANG
Glorified squash as Batista gives Jimmy almost zero offense for ten minuites straight before hitting the bomb for the three count. Afterwards Matt Striker, for no apparent reason, runs into the ring and starts laying in to Batista, who gives him a spinebuster and a bomb as well. Then, Batista grabbed a basketball from under the ring and started dribbling it. **
OVERALL SHOW: 72%
Highlight: R-Truth's Calendar 92%
Lowlight: Big Show vs Mr X 48%
We got a 2.67 rating for 'WWE Superstars'!
The attendance level was 8002 people.
We made $320080 from ticket sales.
-The show stars with more shilling! Today's merch: R-Truth's 2011 Motivational Phrase Of The Day Calendar! 365 thought-provoking messages.... For example, Jan 12: "What's up?!". Or May 18th: "What's up?!" And who will ever forget November 24th: "What's up?!". Be as creative and exciting as Ron Killings' gimmick today!
-CARLITO vs R-TRUTH
R-Truth gives us some more previews of his calendar before the match begins, and it's a typical back-and-forth battle between these two that ends with Carlito hitting R-Truth with an apple. Not spitting, mind you, he threw it at his head and R-Truth fell down unconsious, and was taken to the back on a stretcher. **1/4
Commercial Break
-BIG SHOW vs MR X
The two locked up for about five minuites. Show shoves him into the ropes, knockout punch, over. -*
-Ted DiBiase would confront Cody Rhodes, and offer him... *closeup* ONE MILLION DOLLARS to injure his father Dusty Rhodes before Extreme Rules so Ted can, and I quote, "Beat the Spread". Cody refuses and Ted starts to attack him, until RANDY ORTON rushes in. Orton yells "LOL SUPRIZE FACE TURN!" and hits him with a cutter, then says "Iz in ur cheep shots, doin mah ROFL". Instead of helping Cody up, he walks away, passing by Vince McMahon and saying "Oh hai I upgraded ur ratingz, kthnxbai."
-Now we go to Monday Night Raw, where Glen Jacobs chokeslammed Sheamus over the ropes landing headfirst. Gene Okerlund is in the ring.
Gene: Ladies and gentlemen as you just saw on Raw Glen Jacobs manhandled Sheamus. I have been told that Sheamus severed a severe concussion and will never again return to the ring. Our thoughts a-
Gene is cut off by the sounds of "Real American" as Sheamus comes out, wearing yellow tights and a yellow "SHEAMUS RULES" T-Shirt, going into the ring and taking a mic.
Sheamus: Let me tell ya somethin' Mean Gene, I admit I took a nasty fall brother, but Santa Monica Sheamus is in fact at one hundred percent dude. And I know Shawn Micheals is going to have his match against Glen Jacobs, brother, but Glen, brother, you better think twice about winning dude, because I'm going to eat my prayers, drink my vitamins and say my milk until April 26th, because if Glen Jacobs wins at Extreme Rules brother, I'm calling him out. WHATCHA GONNA DO GLEN? WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN SHEAMUSAMANIA RUNS ALL OVER YOU?!
-BATISTA VS JIMMY WANG YANG
Glorified squash as Batista gives Jimmy almost zero offense for ten minuites straight before hitting the bomb for the three count. Afterwards Matt Striker, for no apparent reason, runs into the ring and starts laying in to Batista, who gives him a spinebuster and a bomb as well. Then, Batista grabbed a basketball from under the ring and started dribbling it. **
OVERALL SHOW: 72%
Highlight: R-Truth's Calendar 92%
Lowlight: Big Show vs Mr X 48%
We got a 2.67 rating for 'WWE Superstars'!
The attendance level was 8002 people.
We made $320080 from ticket sales.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
4/13/10 NXT
4/13/10 NXT
-It's shillin' time again! Today's product is John Cena: Totally Gangsta. Showing what a true ghetto boy he is in the only way possible: With home movies of his life in a rural Massachusetts town with an average household income of over $100,000 and almost 99% of the population being white. Because you're not truly a thug if you don't cook hot dogs with your family while wearing that sweater Grandma gave you for your birthday. Special edition features John Cena playing with his pet poodles.
-DARREN YOUNG vs CM PUNK
CM Punk dominated in this five-minuite encounter, finishing off Darren with a Roaring Elbow, a Tiger Suplex followed by his dreaded Delphin Clutch. Micheal Cole calls it a "Dolphin Clutch" but Striker corrects him, and Cole calls Striker a loser. Striker retorts with "At least I didn't get raped by a German reading poetry". To which Cole answers "It wasn't rape!" *3/4
-Ric Flair and Jimmy Hart were backstage gloating about RAW, and how War Games was in the bag. Bret Hart and Dusty Rhodes would then rush to them and the four would start brawling until seperated by the staff (Ironically, Arn Anderson is holding back Flair, but nobody mentions this). Flair then warns Bret "NUMBER FIVE OF TEAM FLAIR IS ALREADY HERE, WHOOOO!"
-BRIAN DANIEL-SAN AND KUNG FU NAKI vs KOFI KINGSTON AND YOSHI TATSU
Excellent and exciting back and forth battle, ending when Kofi misses Trouble in Paradise and gets caught by a Russian Legsweep. ShowMiz try to interfere but are frozen in their tracks at the sight of Daniel-san and Kung Fu Naki doing crane poses. **
-Bret Hart shakes hands with Dusty and tells him they'll talk about their last teammate later. Once Bret is alone, Macho Man Randy Savage bursts out of a broom closet and attacks Bret Hart! Savage turns to the camera, mophead over his bandana, and says "OOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEAH! Macho Man is here to snap into War Games, dig it!"
-MICHEAL TARVAR AND DAVID OTUNGA vs JUSTIN GABRIEL AND HEATH SLATER vs SKIP SHEFFIELD AND WADE BARRETT vs ALEX AND JOSH MARTIN- ELIMINATION RULES
The winning team will get a "Mystery Surprise" next week, so a lot was on the line. Tarver/Otunga is the first elimination after Wade Barrett hits his samoan slam on Tarver. However right after Heath Slater would hit a moonsault on him for the three count, leaving Gabriel/Slater and the Martin Brothers. A high-flying climax would lead to Miz tripping Slater allowing Alex and Josh to hit their double flying elbow drop on Gabriel to take the mystery prize. **
OVERALL SHOW: 69% (SIXTY-NINE, DUUUUDES!)
Highlight: Cena's DVD 90%
Lowlight: Clusterfuck tag team match 65%
We got a 2.63 rating for 'NXT'!
The attendance level was 8037 people.
We made $321480 from ticket sales.
-It's shillin' time again! Today's product is John Cena: Totally Gangsta. Showing what a true ghetto boy he is in the only way possible: With home movies of his life in a rural Massachusetts town with an average household income of over $100,000 and almost 99% of the population being white. Because you're not truly a thug if you don't cook hot dogs with your family while wearing that sweater Grandma gave you for your birthday. Special edition features John Cena playing with his pet poodles.
-DARREN YOUNG vs CM PUNK
CM Punk dominated in this five-minuite encounter, finishing off Darren with a Roaring Elbow, a Tiger Suplex followed by his dreaded Delphin Clutch. Micheal Cole calls it a "Dolphin Clutch" but Striker corrects him, and Cole calls Striker a loser. Striker retorts with "At least I didn't get raped by a German reading poetry". To which Cole answers "It wasn't rape!" *3/4
-Ric Flair and Jimmy Hart were backstage gloating about RAW, and how War Games was in the bag. Bret Hart and Dusty Rhodes would then rush to them and the four would start brawling until seperated by the staff (Ironically, Arn Anderson is holding back Flair, but nobody mentions this). Flair then warns Bret "NUMBER FIVE OF TEAM FLAIR IS ALREADY HERE, WHOOOO!"
-BRIAN DANIEL-SAN AND KUNG FU NAKI vs KOFI KINGSTON AND YOSHI TATSU
Excellent and exciting back and forth battle, ending when Kofi misses Trouble in Paradise and gets caught by a Russian Legsweep. ShowMiz try to interfere but are frozen in their tracks at the sight of Daniel-san and Kung Fu Naki doing crane poses. **
-Bret Hart shakes hands with Dusty and tells him they'll talk about their last teammate later. Once Bret is alone, Macho Man Randy Savage bursts out of a broom closet and attacks Bret Hart! Savage turns to the camera, mophead over his bandana, and says "OOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEAH! Macho Man is here to snap into War Games, dig it!"
-MICHEAL TARVAR AND DAVID OTUNGA vs JUSTIN GABRIEL AND HEATH SLATER vs SKIP SHEFFIELD AND WADE BARRETT vs ALEX AND JOSH MARTIN- ELIMINATION RULES
The winning team will get a "Mystery Surprise" next week, so a lot was on the line. Tarver/Otunga is the first elimination after Wade Barrett hits his samoan slam on Tarver. However right after Heath Slater would hit a moonsault on him for the three count, leaving Gabriel/Slater and the Martin Brothers. A high-flying climax would lead to Miz tripping Slater allowing Alex and Josh to hit their double flying elbow drop on Gabriel to take the mystery prize. **
OVERALL SHOW: 69% (SIXTY-NINE, DUUUUDES!)
Highlight: Cena's DVD 90%
Lowlight: Clusterfuck tag team match 65%
We got a 2.63 rating for 'NXT'!
The attendance level was 8037 people.
We made $321480 from ticket sales.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
4/12/09- RAW IS BACKLUND
4/12/09 RAW
Guest Host: Bob Backlund
-We open with a shot of Bob Backlund, in slacks, a shirt, bowtie and suspenders, entering his office for the evening. On the office is a desk with clacking balls, a drinking bird, and a potato sculpture of Bob holding the WWF title in the air. Bob looks at the desk, then to Eve Torres.
Bob: "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"
Eve: "This is what you asked for...."
Bob: "NO IT'S NOT!"
Bob picks up the potato sculpture.
Bob: "This was made from Idaho brand potatoes. I CAN TELL! I am an expert on potatoes!"
Eve: "That's a problem?"
Bob: "I HATE IDAHO! THE STATE AND THE POTATOES!"
Bob throws the potato statue at the wall.
Bob: "I WANT ANOTHER ONE! Made from Ore Ida potatoes. THOSE ARE THE BEST POTATOES FOR SCULPTING! Do it, or you're fired!"
Eve: "It took eight hours to make it!"
Bob: "You have forty-three minuites twelve seconds!"
Eve rushes out.
-Meanwhile, Chavo Guerrero is in the back with Randy Orton.
Chavo: Randy, what's wrong?
Orton: I'm... sad. The fans... I don't think... they like me.
Chavo: You know why Orton? Because you're a robot, dude. You need to lighten up. Ever heard of LOLcats?
Orton: ...No.
Chavo: Here look..... (Chavo gets an iPhone and holds it up to Orton)
Orton: These cats... they're so cute.... and these captions...
Pause. Orton smiles.
Orton: ...lol...
-TED DIBIASE VS CHRISTIAN
A solid opening bout that showcased both men for a short time. Christian did the obligatory Failed Killswitch and Ted hit Dream Street, but Cody ran into the ring and jumped on him for the DQ, then continued to beat on him until he was bloody. Meanwhile King and Cole were praising Cody for being a true hero. **1/2
-After the commercial we see Bob Backlund and Santino Marella backstage, dressed in each other's outfit.
"Santino": I'm a reala biga fana ofa yours, Boba Barker! You area the best-
"Bob": Woah woah woah. I'm Bob BACKLUND!
"Santino": That'ts whata I say! Boba Barker! Anyway, I thinka the fansa woulda likea to seea... Rica Flair fighting Jima Duggan, eh pizan?
"Bob": Capital idea! And I'll make the referee someone who will sympathize with Bret Hart... his cousin Jimmy!
"Santino": They'rea related?
"Bob": Well they ARE both named Hart...
"Santino": That isa gooda idea...
-JAKE ROBERTS VS JIM DUGGAN (Special Referee: Jimmy Hart)
Why Jake Roberts was in this match and not Flair is never explained. Pretty much what you would expect from these two, up until Jimmy Hart smacks Duggan with the megaphone allowing Jake to DDT Duggan for the three count. Afterwards Bob Backlund would rush down the ramp to even the odds and clear the ring. 1/4*
-Bob Backlund would then take the mic, and declare the new ECW champion to be Kofi Kingston.
-JOHN CENA VS CHRIS MASTERS
Typical Cena vs Midcarder match with Cena countering a MasterLock attempt with a drop toe hold and the STF for the win. After the match, Cena would flee to the back, yelling "MY CRANBERRY MUFFINS!" *1/2
-SHEAMUS VS GAIL KIM
Bell rings. Gail Kim gets a small package, 1, 2, 3. Afterwards Glen Jacobs rushes down the ramp and chokeslams both Sheamus and Gail. 1/2*
-Glen chokeslams Sheamus over the ropes, SPIKING him on his head. Shawn Micheals comes in through the crowd and Sweet Chin Musics Glen, then gets a mic.
Shawn: "I talked to Vince... and I talked to Undertaker. And you know what? IT'S ON! Extreme Rules, you and me, LADDER MATCH! We'll put a WWE contract and your belt above the ring, and whoever gets them, keeps them. And Glen, whoever loses... never steps foot in a WWE arena again. No farewell speech, no guest host on Raw... you won't even be allowed to bring your family to a show even if you buy tickets. NOTHING!"
-Goldust was walking backstage... in the background Eve was rushing along carrying a potato statue of Bob Backlund...
-GOLDUST VS BATISTA
Glorified squash with Batista only getting token offense before having his head stuffed into Goldust's tights for the Golden Globes and the pinfall. And once again Goldust asked "WHO'S" *deep breath, grope himself* "NEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXT!" ***3/4
OVERALL RATING 71%
Highlight: Chavo shows Randy Orton a LOLcat 86%
Lowlight: Robets/Duggan 60%
We got a 6.51 rating for 'Raw'!
The attendance level was 8010 people.
We made $320400 from ticket sales.
Guest Host: Bob Backlund
-We open with a shot of Bob Backlund, in slacks, a shirt, bowtie and suspenders, entering his office for the evening. On the office is a desk with clacking balls, a drinking bird, and a potato sculpture of Bob holding the WWF title in the air. Bob looks at the desk, then to Eve Torres.
Bob: "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"
Eve: "This is what you asked for...."
Bob: "NO IT'S NOT!"
Bob picks up the potato sculpture.
Bob: "This was made from Idaho brand potatoes. I CAN TELL! I am an expert on potatoes!"
Eve: "That's a problem?"
Bob: "I HATE IDAHO! THE STATE AND THE POTATOES!"
Bob throws the potato statue at the wall.
Bob: "I WANT ANOTHER ONE! Made from Ore Ida potatoes. THOSE ARE THE BEST POTATOES FOR SCULPTING! Do it, or you're fired!"
Eve: "It took eight hours to make it!"
Bob: "You have forty-three minuites twelve seconds!"
Eve rushes out.
-Meanwhile, Chavo Guerrero is in the back with Randy Orton.
Chavo: Randy, what's wrong?
Orton: I'm... sad. The fans... I don't think... they like me.
Chavo: You know why Orton? Because you're a robot, dude. You need to lighten up. Ever heard of LOLcats?
Orton: ...No.
Chavo: Here look..... (Chavo gets an iPhone and holds it up to Orton)
Orton: These cats... they're so cute.... and these captions...
Pause. Orton smiles.
Orton: ...lol...
-TED DIBIASE VS CHRISTIAN
A solid opening bout that showcased both men for a short time. Christian did the obligatory Failed Killswitch and Ted hit Dream Street, but Cody ran into the ring and jumped on him for the DQ, then continued to beat on him until he was bloody. Meanwhile King and Cole were praising Cody for being a true hero. **1/2
-After the commercial we see Bob Backlund and Santino Marella backstage, dressed in each other's outfit.
"Santino": I'm a reala biga fana ofa yours, Boba Barker! You area the best-
"Bob": Woah woah woah. I'm Bob BACKLUND!
"Santino": That'ts whata I say! Boba Barker! Anyway, I thinka the fansa woulda likea to seea... Rica Flair fighting Jima Duggan, eh pizan?
"Bob": Capital idea! And I'll make the referee someone who will sympathize with Bret Hart... his cousin Jimmy!
"Santino": They'rea related?
"Bob": Well they ARE both named Hart...
"Santino": That isa gooda idea...
-JAKE ROBERTS VS JIM DUGGAN (Special Referee: Jimmy Hart)
Why Jake Roberts was in this match and not Flair is never explained. Pretty much what you would expect from these two, up until Jimmy Hart smacks Duggan with the megaphone allowing Jake to DDT Duggan for the three count. Afterwards Bob Backlund would rush down the ramp to even the odds and clear the ring. 1/4*
-Bob Backlund would then take the mic, and declare the new ECW champion to be Kofi Kingston.
-JOHN CENA VS CHRIS MASTERS
Typical Cena vs Midcarder match with Cena countering a MasterLock attempt with a drop toe hold and the STF for the win. After the match, Cena would flee to the back, yelling "MY CRANBERRY MUFFINS!" *1/2
-SHEAMUS VS GAIL KIM
Bell rings. Gail Kim gets a small package, 1, 2, 3. Afterwards Glen Jacobs rushes down the ramp and chokeslams both Sheamus and Gail. 1/2*
-Glen chokeslams Sheamus over the ropes, SPIKING him on his head. Shawn Micheals comes in through the crowd and Sweet Chin Musics Glen, then gets a mic.
Shawn: "I talked to Vince... and I talked to Undertaker. And you know what? IT'S ON! Extreme Rules, you and me, LADDER MATCH! We'll put a WWE contract and your belt above the ring, and whoever gets them, keeps them. And Glen, whoever loses... never steps foot in a WWE arena again. No farewell speech, no guest host on Raw... you won't even be allowed to bring your family to a show even if you buy tickets. NOTHING!"
-Goldust was walking backstage... in the background Eve was rushing along carrying a potato statue of Bob Backlund...
-GOLDUST VS BATISTA
Glorified squash with Batista only getting token offense before having his head stuffed into Goldust's tights for the Golden Globes and the pinfall. And once again Goldust asked "WHO'S" *deep breath, grope himself* "NEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXT!" ***3/4
OVERALL RATING 71%
Highlight: Chavo shows Randy Orton a LOLcat 86%
Lowlight: Robets/Duggan 60%
We got a 6.51 rating for 'Raw'!
The attendance level was 8010 people.
We made $320400 from ticket sales.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
4/9/2010 Smackdown
4/9/2010 Smackdown
-SHILLING! Is the first order of the eve, as today's merch is another dance video: Shawn Micheals: Strip Dancing FOR JESUS! Shawn Michaels shows you all his moves, to famous Christian Rock bands like- oh who are we kidding, there's no such thing as a famous Christian Rock band...
-R-TRUTH VS JIMMY WANG YANG
Typical 5-minuite spotfest that ends with Glen Jacobs making a run-in and chokeslamming them both. ***3/4
-Mr. McMahon is in the back, and has an announcement. Iron Sheik was not supposed to declare himself a Guest Host for any other guest show, and therefore is no longer allowed at any WWE event. Next week's Raw guest host will be another WWE legend, Bob Backlund.
-EDGE vs MIKE KNOX
Knox was getting token offense in most of this match, until Edge's preparation for a spear was stopped by Vickie Guerrero hitting him with his shoe while the ref was busy looking over Knox. Knox would get the pinfall and leave the ring with the ECW title while Vickie continued to shoesmack Edge. *3/4
-Ric Flair and Jake Roberts were backstage, calling Bret Hart a has-been and saying even with Iron Sheik out of War Games, they still have a plan.
-Cryme Tyme, meanwhile, were talking to kids backstage.
JTG: Okay kids, this time we're going to teach you alegebra.
Kid 1: What's algebra?
JTG: It's like math, but more complicated.
Shad: GEOGRAPHY IS EDUCATIONAL!
JTG: (Looks at Shad like WTF for a second) Now, here's an algebra question for you. If two buses leave their train stations at 8pm while five hundred miles away, with one train going 50 miles per hour with the other train going 75 miles per hour, around what hour will they collide into each other?
Kid 2: Why would they be on the same track?
JTG: Uh...
Kid 2: The Transit Authority would surely alert the trains and make sure a track switch happened preventing the wreck.
JTG: Well....
Kid 3: And if they were public transportation trains, which your question doesn't specify, there would be two different tracks to begin with depending on which direction in the line they were headed.
JTG: ...Class dismissed!
Kid 1: You're not a teacher!
Shad: GEOGRAPHY IS EDUCATIONAL!
Kid 2: What does THAT have to do with anything?!
Commercial break.
-When we come back, Michelle McCool is found knocked out in a pool of blood.
-IC Title Match: MR X vs DREW MCINTYRE (c)
McIntyre toys with Mr X before hitting him with a Future Shock in less than two minuites. -*
-CM PUNK AND LUKE GALLOWS vs HART DYNASTY
The SES members dominate the entire match, and it ends with CM Punk using his new finisher on Tyson Kidd: The Delphin Clutch. **3/4
-Vickie Guerrero is in the back with Chris Jericho, telling him to have good luck in his non-title match tonight. Jericho asks who his opponent is, to which Vickie replys "The Undertaker". Jericho goes white in the face, and Vickie says if Chris wins he'll get to taste some "Latina Heat". Jericho goes WHITER in the face.
-CHRIS JERICHO VS THE UNDERTAKER
Back and forth bout, where Jericho goes to get the title belt to use it on the Deadman, but Stephanie McMahon trips him up to stop it. Jericho gets up and misses a belt swing on Steph, and Taker taps his shoulder... Jericho turns around and gets Tombstoned for the win. Afterwards Vickie Guerrero jumps on Stephanie McMahon and they have another catfight. ***1/4
Overall Show: 74%
Highlight: Jericho/Taker 89%
Lowlight: McIntyre/Mr X 45%
We got a 4.93 rating for 'SmackDown'!
The attendance level was 8022 people.
We made $320880 from ticket sales.
-SHILLING! Is the first order of the eve, as today's merch is another dance video: Shawn Micheals: Strip Dancing FOR JESUS! Shawn Michaels shows you all his moves, to famous Christian Rock bands like- oh who are we kidding, there's no such thing as a famous Christian Rock band...
-R-TRUTH VS JIMMY WANG YANG
Typical 5-minuite spotfest that ends with Glen Jacobs making a run-in and chokeslamming them both. ***3/4
-Mr. McMahon is in the back, and has an announcement. Iron Sheik was not supposed to declare himself a Guest Host for any other guest show, and therefore is no longer allowed at any WWE event. Next week's Raw guest host will be another WWE legend, Bob Backlund.
-EDGE vs MIKE KNOX
Knox was getting token offense in most of this match, until Edge's preparation for a spear was stopped by Vickie Guerrero hitting him with his shoe while the ref was busy looking over Knox. Knox would get the pinfall and leave the ring with the ECW title while Vickie continued to shoesmack Edge. *3/4
-Ric Flair and Jake Roberts were backstage, calling Bret Hart a has-been and saying even with Iron Sheik out of War Games, they still have a plan.
-Cryme Tyme, meanwhile, were talking to kids backstage.
JTG: Okay kids, this time we're going to teach you alegebra.
Kid 1: What's algebra?
JTG: It's like math, but more complicated.
Shad: GEOGRAPHY IS EDUCATIONAL!
JTG: (Looks at Shad like WTF for a second) Now, here's an algebra question for you. If two buses leave their train stations at 8pm while five hundred miles away, with one train going 50 miles per hour with the other train going 75 miles per hour, around what hour will they collide into each other?
Kid 2: Why would they be on the same track?
JTG: Uh...
Kid 2: The Transit Authority would surely alert the trains and make sure a track switch happened preventing the wreck.
JTG: Well....
Kid 3: And if they were public transportation trains, which your question doesn't specify, there would be two different tracks to begin with depending on which direction in the line they were headed.
JTG: ...Class dismissed!
Kid 1: You're not a teacher!
Shad: GEOGRAPHY IS EDUCATIONAL!
Kid 2: What does THAT have to do with anything?!
Commercial break.
-When we come back, Michelle McCool is found knocked out in a pool of blood.
-IC Title Match: MR X vs DREW MCINTYRE (c)
McIntyre toys with Mr X before hitting him with a Future Shock in less than two minuites. -*
-CM PUNK AND LUKE GALLOWS vs HART DYNASTY
The SES members dominate the entire match, and it ends with CM Punk using his new finisher on Tyson Kidd: The Delphin Clutch. **3/4
-Vickie Guerrero is in the back with Chris Jericho, telling him to have good luck in his non-title match tonight. Jericho asks who his opponent is, to which Vickie replys "The Undertaker". Jericho goes white in the face, and Vickie says if Chris wins he'll get to taste some "Latina Heat". Jericho goes WHITER in the face.
-CHRIS JERICHO VS THE UNDERTAKER
Back and forth bout, where Jericho goes to get the title belt to use it on the Deadman, but Stephanie McMahon trips him up to stop it. Jericho gets up and misses a belt swing on Steph, and Taker taps his shoulder... Jericho turns around and gets Tombstoned for the win. Afterwards Vickie Guerrero jumps on Stephanie McMahon and they have another catfight. ***1/4
Overall Show: 74%
Highlight: Jericho/Taker 89%
Lowlight: McIntyre/Mr X 45%
We got a 4.93 rating for 'SmackDown'!
The attendance level was 8022 people.
We made $320880 from ticket sales.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
4/8/2010 Superstars
4/8/2010 Superstars
-As usual, the show starts with SHILLING! Today's item: Batista's instructional dance video! Learn how to do erratic cabbage patching while walking in a pit of anger! Remember though you have to walk alone.
-CODY RHODES VS SHEAMUS: Sheamus misses a punch and gets school boy'd for a three count. Afterwards Dusty Rhodes comes down to the ring and hits Sheamus with a Bionic Elbow, while Superstars announcer Jim Ross praises the Rhodes for their heroic bravery. **
-Backstage Bret Hart is walking around when Ric Flair confronts him. Hart starts to take off his jacket when out of the janitor's closet comes Tony Atlas and Jake Roberts, who beat the Hitman down. Flair stomps on Hitman too for good measure, while Flair tells him that at War Games The Man is going to reign supreme, WOOOOO!
Commercial Break
-MATT HARDY VS DOLPH ZIGGLER: Standard back and forth match until Glen Jacobs hits the ring, chokeslamming them both, then Chokeslamming Matt Hardy over the ropes to the floor. ***1/2
-TO THE BACK! Again, as Vickie Guerrero is yelling at Chris Jericho to make Teddy Long change the match at Extreme Rules (despite the fact that Vickie is the authority figure, not Chris). Stephanie McMahon then charges at Vickie and the two get into a catfight, with Jericho completely dumbfounded.
-GREAT KHALI VS MR X
Mr X has an intro to Ted Nugent's "Stranglehold", with TED NUGENT PLAYING LIVE, and pyrotechnics and women dancing, complete with a laser light show. He then immediately gets hit with a Punjabi Plunge. -*.
Overall Show: 68%
Highlight: Batista shilling his dance video 88%
Lowlight: Khali/Mr X 38%
We got a 2.82 rating for 'WWE Superstars'!
The attendance level was 8011 people.
We made $320440 from ticket sales.
-As usual, the show starts with SHILLING! Today's item: Batista's instructional dance video! Learn how to do erratic cabbage patching while walking in a pit of anger! Remember though you have to walk alone.
-CODY RHODES VS SHEAMUS: Sheamus misses a punch and gets school boy'd for a three count. Afterwards Dusty Rhodes comes down to the ring and hits Sheamus with a Bionic Elbow, while Superstars announcer Jim Ross praises the Rhodes for their heroic bravery. **
-Backstage Bret Hart is walking around when Ric Flair confronts him. Hart starts to take off his jacket when out of the janitor's closet comes Tony Atlas and Jake Roberts, who beat the Hitman down. Flair stomps on Hitman too for good measure, while Flair tells him that at War Games The Man is going to reign supreme, WOOOOO!
Commercial Break
-MATT HARDY VS DOLPH ZIGGLER: Standard back and forth match until Glen Jacobs hits the ring, chokeslamming them both, then Chokeslamming Matt Hardy over the ropes to the floor. ***1/2
-TO THE BACK! Again, as Vickie Guerrero is yelling at Chris Jericho to make Teddy Long change the match at Extreme Rules (despite the fact that Vickie is the authority figure, not Chris). Stephanie McMahon then charges at Vickie and the two get into a catfight, with Jericho completely dumbfounded.
-GREAT KHALI VS MR X
Mr X has an intro to Ted Nugent's "Stranglehold", with TED NUGENT PLAYING LIVE, and pyrotechnics and women dancing, complete with a laser light show. He then immediately gets hit with a Punjabi Plunge. -*.
Overall Show: 68%
Highlight: Batista shilling his dance video 88%
Lowlight: Khali/Mr X 38%
We got a 2.82 rating for 'WWE Superstars'!
The attendance level was 8011 people.
We made $320440 from ticket sales.
4/6/10 NXT
4/6/10 NXT
-The show starts with the WWE main eventers shilling merchandise. Tonight's product? Triple H's kids book, 'Sledgy the Sledgehammer'. Teaching kids that the best way to solve any problem is with severe blunt force trauma to someone's skull.
-DAVID OTUNGA/MICHEAL TARVER VS HEATH SLATER/WADE BARRETT
Typical NXT tag match, with Otunga picking up the win with his new finisher, the Headlock Takedown. Afterwards Glen Jacobs rushes down the ring, and chokeslamming all four men in turn. 1/2*
Commercial Break
-Teddy Long is backstage.... why, nobody is sure... and announces that for Extreme Rules there will be a triple threat match for the World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho vs Edge... vs Vickie Guerrero.
-RANDY ORTON VS BRIAN DANIEL-SAN
Daniel-san started off strong until Orton hit the backbreaker and took control. However, he missed an RKO and got nailed with a Russian Legsweep for the three count. Daniel-san offered a handshake after the match but Orton just walked away. **3/4
-ShoMiz would call the win a fluke, just like the win over Miz and the Unified Tag Team title win. They would call Daniel-san and Funaki "The biggest jobbers since the Mulkeys" and promise to regain the titles come Extreme Rules.
-Justin Gabriel and Darren Young vs The Martin Brothers
The newcomers were in control throughout this match, with ShoMiz at ringside cheering them on and telling them to "Taunt More". Eventually the two would hit a double flying elbow from adjacent corners on Darren Young to get their win. ***1/2
Overall Rating: 69% (huhuhuhuh....)
Highlight: Triple H shilling his children's book 89%
Lowlight: Otunga/Tarver v Slater/Barrett 54%
We got a 2.74 rating for 'NXT'!
The attendance level was 8041 people.
We made $321640 from ticket sales.
-
-The show starts with the WWE main eventers shilling merchandise. Tonight's product? Triple H's kids book, 'Sledgy the Sledgehammer'. Teaching kids that the best way to solve any problem is with severe blunt force trauma to someone's skull.
-DAVID OTUNGA/MICHEAL TARVER VS HEATH SLATER/WADE BARRETT
Typical NXT tag match, with Otunga picking up the win with his new finisher, the Headlock Takedown. Afterwards Glen Jacobs rushes down the ring, and chokeslamming all four men in turn. 1/2*
Commercial Break
-Teddy Long is backstage.... why, nobody is sure... and announces that for Extreme Rules there will be a triple threat match for the World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho vs Edge... vs Vickie Guerrero.
-RANDY ORTON VS BRIAN DANIEL-SAN
Daniel-san started off strong until Orton hit the backbreaker and took control. However, he missed an RKO and got nailed with a Russian Legsweep for the three count. Daniel-san offered a handshake after the match but Orton just walked away. **3/4
-ShoMiz would call the win a fluke, just like the win over Miz and the Unified Tag Team title win. They would call Daniel-san and Funaki "The biggest jobbers since the Mulkeys" and promise to regain the titles come Extreme Rules.
-Justin Gabriel and Darren Young vs The Martin Brothers
The newcomers were in control throughout this match, with ShoMiz at ringside cheering them on and telling them to "Taunt More". Eventually the two would hit a double flying elbow from adjacent corners on Darren Young to get their win. ***1/2
Overall Rating: 69% (huhuhuhuh....)
Highlight: Triple H shilling his children's book 89%
Lowlight: Otunga/Tarver v Slater/Barrett 54%
We got a 2.74 rating for 'NXT'!
The attendance level was 8041 people.
We made $321640 from ticket sales.
-
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
4/5/2010 RAW
RAW 4/5/2010
-SHEAMUS VS THE BELLA TWINS: Once again, Shaemus is completely dominated the entire match, as the Bellas walk all over him until they make him submit to a Double Single Leg Crab. 1/4*
-MARK HENRY AND MVP vs SHOMIZ: A back and forth tag match with Show carrying most of the weight for his team. Finish would come as MVP would miss a Shining Black and get caught by Miz' Skull Crushing Finale when Glen Jacobs jumped the barricade, giving both Miz and MVP a double chokeslam. He would also deliver big boots to Mark Henry and Big Show, clearing the ring. *3/4
-Glen Jacobs then got a microphone.
Glen: "For those of you who are unaware, I am your WWE Champion. However, as a last request of Shawn Micheals I am no longer officially in the WWE. Shawn, when I attacked you, it was nothing personal. I was out to make a statement to the rest of the WWE that I am not to be forgotten, not a has been, not to be ignored. But when you fired me, Shawn, you made it personal. Therefore as WWE champion, I DEMAND to be given a match with Shawn Micheals at Extreme Rules. And I will continue to wreak havoc each and every night the WWE has a show until I get my wish."
Commercial Break
-JIM DUGGAN VS RIC FLAIR: This match was made at the request of Guest Host Iron Sheik. Exactly what you'd expect with Flair and Duggan doing little more than brawl, until Iron Sheik runs down the ramp and hits Jim Duggan with a Persian Club, announces it's a no DQ match, and Ric Flair gets the pin. *
-After the match Iron Sheik got on the mic.
Iron Sheik: "I have announcement as host of WWF Raw. First of all. Congratulation to new ECW champion... Mike Knots. And now, second announcement. At Extreme Rule, we have War Games Match. Team Flair versus Team Hart. First member of team Hart, Jim Duggan. First member of team Flair, Iron Sheik! Jim Duggan, Bret Hart, at Extreme Rule, we make you humble! IRAN! IRAN NUMBER VUN! AMERICA HACK PUH! And now second announcement. Next Guest Host of RAW: Iron Sheik! Yes that is being true! In fact, Iron Sheik for all April, Guest Host of WWF Raw! IRAN NUMBER VUN! And also, tonight main event, Yawn Cena versus Goldydust."
-It was 9:42 when a gold limo with the license plate "BIZAR1" rolled up to the arena. The door opened to reveal Goldust, wearing only black tights with the rest of his body covered in gold body paint. His theme started to play...
-And at 9:48 Goldust would go through the doors of the building, walking the corridors...
-Two commercial breaks later, at 10:12, he'd still be making his way to the ring...
-At 10:25, he stopped to take a phone call, and would be interested in switching to Comcast.
-The phone call ended at 10:50 when he continued to make his way to the ring...
-At 10:58 on his way to ringside he would stop to shake hands with Jim Carrey
-And at 10:59... GOLDUST VS JOHN CENA: The two chain wrestled for about thirty seconds, then Goldust kicked Cena in the midsection, stuffed Cena's head into his tights and gave him a piledriver Cole called "The Golden Globes". One, two, three. Afterwards John Cena would stagger out of the ring, and run backstage in a frenzy as Goldust again asked "WHO'S...." deep breath, feeling himself up.... "NEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXT!" **1/4
Overall Show: 66%
High Point: Goldust switches to Comcast 82%
Low Point: Iron Sheik's speech 51%
Ratings: 6.78
Attendance: 8018
Ticket Sales $320720
-SHEAMUS VS THE BELLA TWINS: Once again, Shaemus is completely dominated the entire match, as the Bellas walk all over him until they make him submit to a Double Single Leg Crab. 1/4*
-MARK HENRY AND MVP vs SHOMIZ: A back and forth tag match with Show carrying most of the weight for his team. Finish would come as MVP would miss a Shining Black and get caught by Miz' Skull Crushing Finale when Glen Jacobs jumped the barricade, giving both Miz and MVP a double chokeslam. He would also deliver big boots to Mark Henry and Big Show, clearing the ring. *3/4
-Glen Jacobs then got a microphone.
Glen: "For those of you who are unaware, I am your WWE Champion. However, as a last request of Shawn Micheals I am no longer officially in the WWE. Shawn, when I attacked you, it was nothing personal. I was out to make a statement to the rest of the WWE that I am not to be forgotten, not a has been, not to be ignored. But when you fired me, Shawn, you made it personal. Therefore as WWE champion, I DEMAND to be given a match with Shawn Micheals at Extreme Rules. And I will continue to wreak havoc each and every night the WWE has a show until I get my wish."
Commercial Break
-JIM DUGGAN VS RIC FLAIR: This match was made at the request of Guest Host Iron Sheik. Exactly what you'd expect with Flair and Duggan doing little more than brawl, until Iron Sheik runs down the ramp and hits Jim Duggan with a Persian Club, announces it's a no DQ match, and Ric Flair gets the pin. *
-After the match Iron Sheik got on the mic.
Iron Sheik: "I have announcement as host of WWF Raw. First of all. Congratulation to new ECW champion... Mike Knots. And now, second announcement. At Extreme Rule, we have War Games Match. Team Flair versus Team Hart. First member of team Hart, Jim Duggan. First member of team Flair, Iron Sheik! Jim Duggan, Bret Hart, at Extreme Rule, we make you humble! IRAN! IRAN NUMBER VUN! AMERICA HACK PUH! And now second announcement. Next Guest Host of RAW: Iron Sheik! Yes that is being true! In fact, Iron Sheik for all April, Guest Host of WWF Raw! IRAN NUMBER VUN! And also, tonight main event, Yawn Cena versus Goldydust."
-It was 9:42 when a gold limo with the license plate "BIZAR1" rolled up to the arena. The door opened to reveal Goldust, wearing only black tights with the rest of his body covered in gold body paint. His theme started to play...
-And at 9:48 Goldust would go through the doors of the building, walking the corridors...
-Two commercial breaks later, at 10:12, he'd still be making his way to the ring...
-At 10:25, he stopped to take a phone call, and would be interested in switching to Comcast.
-The phone call ended at 10:50 when he continued to make his way to the ring...
-At 10:58 on his way to ringside he would stop to shake hands with Jim Carrey
-And at 10:59... GOLDUST VS JOHN CENA: The two chain wrestled for about thirty seconds, then Goldust kicked Cena in the midsection, stuffed Cena's head into his tights and gave him a piledriver Cole called "The Golden Globes". One, two, three. Afterwards John Cena would stagger out of the ring, and run backstage in a frenzy as Goldust again asked "WHO'S...." deep breath, feeling himself up.... "NEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXT!" **1/4
Overall Show: 66%
High Point: Goldust switches to Comcast 82%
Low Point: Iron Sheik's speech 51%
Ratings: 6.78
Attendance: 8018
Ticket Sales $320720
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
4/2/2010 Smackdown
4/2/2010 Edition of Smackdown
-Once again we start with the main eventers shilling. Today's product: John Cena's newest CD, a co-production with Randy Savage called "Be a Mantaur". Sure to sell in the dozens!
-Edge would be in the ring next, berating Vickie Guerrero for interfering his match with Chris Jericho, saying he plans to spear a pig in the very near future.
-Vladimir Koslov vs. Rey Mysterio: Despite losing his mask at Wrestlemania, Rey Mysterio was wearing it again in this match, and no mention of the Wrestlemania match was made. Typical Rey vs Big Guy match with the 619 leading to a springboard splash for a three count. After the match CM Punk ran in, then for no apparent reason picked up Koslov and hit him with Go 2 Sleep. *1/4
-Afterwards, Punk kicks Mysterio in the gut and then puts him in Go 2 Sleep, but Rey Mysterio immediately gets back up from it. Punk immediately flips out and leaves the ring.
-Bret Hart is seen entering the arena.
-WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: Batista vs Drew McIntyre (c): Batista entered the ring dribbling a basketball for no apparent reason. Batista got most of the offense in the match with Drew only occasionally getting a move in. While the referee is down, Mike Knox hits Drew McIntyre with a chair. Batista hits the bomb and pins Drew, we have a new ch- wait, no, a second referee reverses the decision and calls it a DQ! Batista snaps and bombs Mike Knox. *1/2
-Cryme Tyme is with a handful of children.
JTG: "Listen kids, we stole Max' Kansas City. To get it back, you're going to have to answer questions about geography. Okay?"
Kid 1: "Why?"
Shad: "GEOGRAPHY IS EDUCATIONAL!"
JTG: "First question, where IS Max' Kansas City?"
Kid 2: "Why are you asking us? YOU stole it!"
JTG: "But you have to know where we stole it from to get it from us."
Kid 1: "That doesn't make any sense. Plus, how did you even steal a building?"
JTG: "...Forklifts. Anyways, kids, come on, this is our community service. You don't want us to go to jail do you?"
Kid 3: "Yes we do"
JTG facepalms as this pointless segment ends.
-After a commercial break, we see CM Punk laid out backstage, with EMTs picking him up and putting him on a stretcher.
-WWE Unified Tag Team Titles: Brian Daniel-san and Kung Fu Naki vs ShoMiz(c)
ShoMiz are said to have specifically made this challenge. Show and Miz completely dominate Funaki the entire match, then, Funaki tags in Daniel-san, then Daniel-san hits Show with the Russian Leg Sweep. One, two, three. Kung Fu Naki and Daniel-san celebrate by doing crane poses, then a pair of unknowns (Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin) rush in from the ramp and attack them. Miz gets on the mic and says he asked Vince McMahon if he and Show could bring in two new rookies to NXT and Vince McMahon allowed it, and introduces them as Alex and Josh Martin. *3/4
-Bret Hart is still walking backstage, when out of a broom closet comes Ric Flair! Ric clubs him from behind with a lead pipe, then mounts and punches him until officials break it up. Flair then gives a "WHOOO!" before being dragged away.
-WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Triple H vs Chris Jericho(c): Absolutely no explanation was given as to why this match was taking place, but it was a very good match, with Jericho and Triple H giving a PPV-worthy performance for 30 minuites. Then, Edge would rush into the ring and spear Triple H, turn around and spearing Jericho too. Triple H would get up and, despite being cost the heavyweight title, would help Edge beat up Jericho., ****1/4
Overall Show: 80%
High Spot: Ric Flair attacks Bret Hart 98%
Low Point: Drew McIntyre vs Batista 66%
Rating: 4.98
Attendance: 8003
Tickets: $320120
-Once again we start with the main eventers shilling. Today's product: John Cena's newest CD, a co-production with Randy Savage called "Be a Mantaur". Sure to sell in the dozens!
-Edge would be in the ring next, berating Vickie Guerrero for interfering his match with Chris Jericho, saying he plans to spear a pig in the very near future.
-Vladimir Koslov vs. Rey Mysterio: Despite losing his mask at Wrestlemania, Rey Mysterio was wearing it again in this match, and no mention of the Wrestlemania match was made. Typical Rey vs Big Guy match with the 619 leading to a springboard splash for a three count. After the match CM Punk ran in, then for no apparent reason picked up Koslov and hit him with Go 2 Sleep. *1/4
-Afterwards, Punk kicks Mysterio in the gut and then puts him in Go 2 Sleep, but Rey Mysterio immediately gets back up from it. Punk immediately flips out and leaves the ring.
-Bret Hart is seen entering the arena.
-WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: Batista vs Drew McIntyre (c): Batista entered the ring dribbling a basketball for no apparent reason. Batista got most of the offense in the match with Drew only occasionally getting a move in. While the referee is down, Mike Knox hits Drew McIntyre with a chair. Batista hits the bomb and pins Drew, we have a new ch- wait, no, a second referee reverses the decision and calls it a DQ! Batista snaps and bombs Mike Knox. *1/2
-Cryme Tyme is with a handful of children.
JTG: "Listen kids, we stole Max' Kansas City. To get it back, you're going to have to answer questions about geography. Okay?"
Kid 1: "Why?"
Shad: "GEOGRAPHY IS EDUCATIONAL!"
JTG: "First question, where IS Max' Kansas City?"
Kid 2: "Why are you asking us? YOU stole it!"
JTG: "But you have to know where we stole it from to get it from us."
Kid 1: "That doesn't make any sense. Plus, how did you even steal a building?"
JTG: "...Forklifts. Anyways, kids, come on, this is our community service. You don't want us to go to jail do you?"
Kid 3: "Yes we do"
JTG facepalms as this pointless segment ends.
-After a commercial break, we see CM Punk laid out backstage, with EMTs picking him up and putting him on a stretcher.
-WWE Unified Tag Team Titles: Brian Daniel-san and Kung Fu Naki vs ShoMiz(c)
ShoMiz are said to have specifically made this challenge. Show and Miz completely dominate Funaki the entire match, then, Funaki tags in Daniel-san, then Daniel-san hits Show with the Russian Leg Sweep. One, two, three. Kung Fu Naki and Daniel-san celebrate by doing crane poses, then a pair of unknowns (Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin) rush in from the ramp and attack them. Miz gets on the mic and says he asked Vince McMahon if he and Show could bring in two new rookies to NXT and Vince McMahon allowed it, and introduces them as Alex and Josh Martin. *3/4
-Bret Hart is still walking backstage, when out of a broom closet comes Ric Flair! Ric clubs him from behind with a lead pipe, then mounts and punches him until officials break it up. Flair then gives a "WHOOO!" before being dragged away.
-WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Triple H vs Chris Jericho(c): Absolutely no explanation was given as to why this match was taking place, but it was a very good match, with Jericho and Triple H giving a PPV-worthy performance for 30 minuites. Then, Edge would rush into the ring and spear Triple H, turn around and spearing Jericho too. Triple H would get up and, despite being cost the heavyweight title, would help Edge beat up Jericho., ****1/4
Overall Show: 80%
High Spot: Ric Flair attacks Bret Hart 98%
Low Point: Drew McIntyre vs Batista 66%
Rating: 4.98
Attendance: 8003
Tickets: $320120
Monday, March 29, 2010
4/1/2010 Superstars
4/1/2010 Superstars
-Once again the main eventers were shilling their merch. CM Punk was shilling his new DVD: How to be Straight Edge by CM Punk. A 90 minuite instructional video showing how to live a pure and sober lifestyle, including handy steps such as "Do a sloppy version of a top puro star's finisher", "Listen to craptastic emo music like AFI" and "Put an X on everything you own with magic marker, including your pets"
-STRAIGHT EDGE SOCIETY VS HART DYNASTY (mixed 6-person tag)
The SES came out wearing Rey Mysterio masks with an X on the foreheads. Natalya Neidhart, for no apparent reason, responded by wearing an LA Park hood, and doing the LA Park Shuffle before the match. A typical WWE-style mixed tag that ended when the referee suddenly forgot the men vs men women vs women only rule and CM Punk tagged in while Natalya was in the Tree of Woe, baseball slide kicked into her and hit Go 2 Sleep for a three count. *3/4
-SHEAMUS VS HORNSWOGGLE
The entire match: Hornswoggle does a dropkick to Sheamus' leg, making him flip onto his back. Hornswoggle then hit the Tadpole Splash for a three count. 3/4*
Commercial break. Next RAW Guest Host: THE IRON SHEIK!
-NON TITLE CHAMPION VS CHAMPION: Chris Jericho vs John Cena
Back and forth battle with Jericho carrying Cena. Cena hit the Attitude Adjustment and went for the STF, but Jericho put his boot on Cena to shove him off, hit him with a Codebreaker, went for the Walls but Cena escaped that too. Cena then put Jericho in another Attitude Adjustment, but Kane jumped the barricade, wearing street clothes and carrying his MITB breifcase. He clubbed Cena in the back of the head with it, then grabbed Jericho and chokeslammed him. He then grabbed Cena and chokeslammed him too before getting a mic. **3/4
-He tells everyone that while he is no longer under WWE contract, he still has his guaranteed title shot. He also adds that he is no longer to be called Kane, as that was "my WWE name", but to refer to him by his real name, Glen Jacobs. He looked to Jericho, mounted him then went to hand his breifcase over... then yelled "APRIL FOOL" and mounted Cena before giving the breifcase to an official.
-WWE TITLE MATCH: GLEN JACOBS VS JOHN CENA(c)
Glen was already on top of Cena, and the ref counted one two three. ***
Overall Show: 78%
High Spot: Cena vs Jericho (88%)
Low Spot: Sheamus vs Hornswoggle (68%)
Rating: 2.82
Attendance: 7540
Ticket Sales: $301600
-Once again the main eventers were shilling their merch. CM Punk was shilling his new DVD: How to be Straight Edge by CM Punk. A 90 minuite instructional video showing how to live a pure and sober lifestyle, including handy steps such as "Do a sloppy version of a top puro star's finisher", "Listen to craptastic emo music like AFI" and "Put an X on everything you own with magic marker, including your pets"
-STRAIGHT EDGE SOCIETY VS HART DYNASTY (mixed 6-person tag)
The SES came out wearing Rey Mysterio masks with an X on the foreheads. Natalya Neidhart, for no apparent reason, responded by wearing an LA Park hood, and doing the LA Park Shuffle before the match. A typical WWE-style mixed tag that ended when the referee suddenly forgot the men vs men women vs women only rule and CM Punk tagged in while Natalya was in the Tree of Woe, baseball slide kicked into her and hit Go 2 Sleep for a three count. *3/4
-SHEAMUS VS HORNSWOGGLE
The entire match: Hornswoggle does a dropkick to Sheamus' leg, making him flip onto his back. Hornswoggle then hit the Tadpole Splash for a three count. 3/4*
Commercial break. Next RAW Guest Host: THE IRON SHEIK!
-NON TITLE CHAMPION VS CHAMPION: Chris Jericho vs John Cena
Back and forth battle with Jericho carrying Cena. Cena hit the Attitude Adjustment and went for the STF, but Jericho put his boot on Cena to shove him off, hit him with a Codebreaker, went for the Walls but Cena escaped that too. Cena then put Jericho in another Attitude Adjustment, but Kane jumped the barricade, wearing street clothes and carrying his MITB breifcase. He clubbed Cena in the back of the head with it, then grabbed Jericho and chokeslammed him. He then grabbed Cena and chokeslammed him too before getting a mic. **3/4
-He tells everyone that while he is no longer under WWE contract, he still has his guaranteed title shot. He also adds that he is no longer to be called Kane, as that was "my WWE name", but to refer to him by his real name, Glen Jacobs. He looked to Jericho, mounted him then went to hand his breifcase over... then yelled "APRIL FOOL" and mounted Cena before giving the breifcase to an official.
-WWE TITLE MATCH: GLEN JACOBS VS JOHN CENA(c)
Glen was already on top of Cena, and the ref counted one two three. ***
Overall Show: 78%
High Spot: Cena vs Jericho (88%)
Low Spot: Sheamus vs Hornswoggle (68%)
Rating: 2.82
Attendance: 7540
Ticket Sales: $301600
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
3/30/10 NXT
-The show started once again with a WWEshop shill ad, featuring Triple H's newest merch, the official Triple H LCD Handheld Game! This toy hasn't been cool in 14 years, but now it's back with a VENGEANCE! Enjoy the two-frame animations and sub-MIDI sound quality! Only $379.99!
-Afterwards, Josh Matthews and Michael Cole note that Daniel Bryan has indeed found a new mentor, and he's backstage with him right now. We go backstage where KUNG FU NAKI is talking to Daniel Bryan, who is wearing a gi and headband like Funaki. The segment ends with Funaki showing Daniel Bryan The Crane pose, and Daniel getting the hang of it.
-JUSTIN GABRIEL VS DARREN YOUNG:
This match goes back and forth with Young starting off strong and Justin playing catchup until he catches a Young rana attempt and hits him with a powerbomb. Gabriel signals for the end but Luke Gallows distracts the referee and CM Punk enters the ring to hit him with a Go 2 Sleep, putting Young over Gabriel before leaving the ring, and after the three count Young looks up all WTF and then heads outside to Punk. The two argue and Gabriel shoves Punk, leading to a breif scuffle that is broken up by officials. 3/4*
Commercial Break
-SHEAMUS VS DAVID OTUNGA:
The ECW champion in a non-title match here, and Otunga absolutely punks out Sheamus, knocking him around with punches and elbows. Then, Otunga checks his watch, says "I got lunch with Courtney Cox!" then hits Sheamus with the super-lazy spinebuster for a pinfall in under 30 seconds. 1/4*
Commercial break
-The Miz is backstage, and he berates Daniel Bryan, saying "he was a loser when he came here, and now he's even more of a loser now that he's with Funaki". He says tonight he's going to prove to all of Daniel Bryan's "ROHbots" (yes, he actually said that on WWE television) that he's just another wannabe.
Commercial break, recap of WrestleMania
-Daniel Bryan comes to the ring first for the main event to "You're The Best Around", and gets on the mic and announces that he is now to be called Bryan Daniel-san, and that Miz is going to realize there is no mercy in this dojo. Micheal Cole, being the biggest dork in the world, doesn't get the reference and says "WHAT dojo?"
-Bryan Daniel-san vs The Miz
The Miz gets little offense in this match as Daniel-san is in control for all 15 minuites of this match, following the advice of Kung Fu Naki the whole time. Eventually, after countering the Skull-Crushing Finale, he's told by Funaki to "Sweep the leg!" and Daniel-san immediately does a Russian Leg Sweep getting the one two three. Miz is COMPLETELY KOED by the legsweep, and now Big Show comes to the ring looking to do some damage to Daniel-san. He goes for the knockout punch, but Daniel-san waxes off, kicks Show in the gut, and hits HIM with the Russian Legsweep, and Show is also laid out. Funaki and Daniel-san crane pose over ShoMiz as NXT ends. **1/4
Overall Show: 61%
High Point: Triple H shills an LCD game 86%
Low Point: Young/Gabriel and Shaemus/Otunga (tie), 51%
Rating: 2.41 (lol)
Attendance: 7538
Ticket sales $301520
-Afterwards, Josh Matthews and Michael Cole note that Daniel Bryan has indeed found a new mentor, and he's backstage with him right now. We go backstage where KUNG FU NAKI is talking to Daniel Bryan, who is wearing a gi and headband like Funaki. The segment ends with Funaki showing Daniel Bryan The Crane pose, and Daniel getting the hang of it.
-JUSTIN GABRIEL VS DARREN YOUNG:
This match goes back and forth with Young starting off strong and Justin playing catchup until he catches a Young rana attempt and hits him with a powerbomb. Gabriel signals for the end but Luke Gallows distracts the referee and CM Punk enters the ring to hit him with a Go 2 Sleep, putting Young over Gabriel before leaving the ring, and after the three count Young looks up all WTF and then heads outside to Punk. The two argue and Gabriel shoves Punk, leading to a breif scuffle that is broken up by officials. 3/4*
Commercial Break
-SHEAMUS VS DAVID OTUNGA:
The ECW champion in a non-title match here, and Otunga absolutely punks out Sheamus, knocking him around with punches and elbows. Then, Otunga checks his watch, says "I got lunch with Courtney Cox!" then hits Sheamus with the super-lazy spinebuster for a pinfall in under 30 seconds. 1/4*
Commercial break
-The Miz is backstage, and he berates Daniel Bryan, saying "he was a loser when he came here, and now he's even more of a loser now that he's with Funaki". He says tonight he's going to prove to all of Daniel Bryan's "ROHbots" (yes, he actually said that on WWE television) that he's just another wannabe.
Commercial break, recap of WrestleMania
-Daniel Bryan comes to the ring first for the main event to "You're The Best Around", and gets on the mic and announces that he is now to be called Bryan Daniel-san, and that Miz is going to realize there is no mercy in this dojo. Micheal Cole, being the biggest dork in the world, doesn't get the reference and says "WHAT dojo?"
-Bryan Daniel-san vs The Miz
The Miz gets little offense in this match as Daniel-san is in control for all 15 minuites of this match, following the advice of Kung Fu Naki the whole time. Eventually, after countering the Skull-Crushing Finale, he's told by Funaki to "Sweep the leg!" and Daniel-san immediately does a Russian Leg Sweep getting the one two three. Miz is COMPLETELY KOED by the legsweep, and now Big Show comes to the ring looking to do some damage to Daniel-san. He goes for the knockout punch, but Daniel-san waxes off, kicks Show in the gut, and hits HIM with the Russian Legsweep, and Show is also laid out. Funaki and Daniel-san crane pose over ShoMiz as NXT ends. **1/4
Overall Show: 61%
High Point: Triple H shills an LCD game 86%
Low Point: Young/Gabriel and Shaemus/Otunga (tie), 51%
Rating: 2.41 (lol)
Attendance: 7538
Ticket sales $301520
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
WWE Raw 3/29/10
WWE Raw 3/29/2010
The event starts with a video package of WWE's top stars, each of them wearing their own T-Shirts. Nothing new with John Cena, but each of them would implore the fans to buy at WWEshop.com, concluding with Undertaker saying, in a straight voice: "BUY MY NEW FULLY POSABLE DOLL! OR YOU WILL REST IN PIECE WITHOUT FOURTEEN JOINTS OF ARTICULATION!"
-The actual show would begin, with the cast of Hot Tub Time Machine coming out to no reaction whatsoever. The three of them would look around, and say "...We don't know the first thing about WWE." Since they had no idea what they were doing, they would hire a consultant for one night only:
"SHANE MCMAHON!"
So the crowd at home was understandably confused when Shawn Micheals came out instead. Shawn would be wearing a black suit and tie, with his hair in a ponytail. He would take the microphone, and everyone waited to hear what Shawn would say as a farewell to his fans:
"Kane, you're fired."
Shawn then dropped the mic and left the ring as we went to commerical, showing tonight's main event.... John Cena vs Mark Henry and MVP?!
-TED DIBIASE VS CODY RHODES
Ted came out to a remix of Ted Sr's theme... any by remix I mean that it sounded like Jake Roberts was halfheartedly singing the "Money Money Money Money Money" chorus. The back and forth battle would feature a sick lariat by DiBiase, and from then DiBiase would mop the floor with Cody, and would start to apply Dream Street.... but Dusty Rhodes would run down the ramp with a chair! Dusty would neck Ted DiBiase with the chair, and Cody would go for the cover, one, two, three. Cole and Lawler would praise Cody Rhodes for his bravery in facing and beating DiBiase despite being mercilessly cheap shotted just 24 hours ago. ***
-Hornswoggle is seen walking backstage, when a hooded figure comes from out of nowhere to ambush him, hitting him with a pipe several times before throwing him through a window. The hooded figure then sees the camera, and runs away full speed.
Commercial Break.
-The Hot Tub Time Machine guys appeared next, in a hot tub with the Bella Twins, who they refer to as "Trish Stratus and her sister Lita" and saying how they were excited to see "John Henry face off against the VIP" in the main event. Before the Bellas can correct them, Daniel Bryan walks in, asking the HTTM crew if they could do him a favor, and let him have "someone, ANYONE" other than The Miz as his mentor. The HTTM guys approve with absolutely no enthusiam, and Bryan walks out. The HTTM guys then fall asleep, much like anyone who was watching this segment did.
SHOMIZ VS CRYME TYME
According to Cole and Lawler, Truth and Morrison were supposed to face ShoMiz, but Cryme Tyme, and I quote "Stole the spot on the card" from Morrison and Truth. Apparently Cryme Tyme has been taking lessons from Carmen Sandiego's gang. The intangible object-stealing babyfaces started strong against Miz but Big Show tagged in and cleaned house, practically beating both Shad and JTG singlehandedly before winning with a Collosal Clutch on Shad. Cryme Tyme would interupt the teams post-match celebration by attacking them when their back is turned, and then, instead of stealing the tag team titles, they stole Miz' shoes. **
-Randy Orton went into the ring, calling out Cody Rhodes. Cody would answer, and the two would brawl, with Orton qucikly gaining the upper hand and hitting an RKO. Then, Dusty Rhodes would rush to the ring, hit some punches and prep the Bionic Elbow, but he would also get RKOed. Then, Jerry Lawler would "be disgusted with Orton's cheap shots" and rush into the ring, clubbing him from behind and hitting him with a piledriver. The babyface trio then beat the holy shazbot out of Orton until the commercial break.
THIS WEEK ON SUPERSTARS: JOHN CENA VS CHRIS JERICHO! CHAMPION VS CHAMPION, NON-TITLE MATCH!
-The Hot Tub Time Machine guys would appear next, waking up dressed in disco clothes. When asking what happened, Santino Marella would come out dressed like Rick Astley, and explain that they ended up going back in time! Santino would then start singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" before the HTTM guys reminded him that Rick Astley wrote that song in 1987. Santino would reply with "70s, 80s, same thing!". The HTTM guys would apparently agree as they sang along with him until mercifully we went to commercial.
-SHEAMUS VS GOLDUST
Once again, Sheamus would get NO OFFENSE WHATSOEVER in this match, Goldust dominating from start to finish, before hitting his Final Cut finisher in less than a minuite to end this squash. Goldust would then get a mic and say "Who's....(pause to feel himself up, deep breath)...Nexxxxxxxxxxt..." and leave the ring. **1/4
Then, the HTTM crew would appear once more, this time with the ECW title. They would congratulate Sheamus for his impressive victory (yes, they said he WON THE MATCH), then awarded him with the, and I am again quoting, "WCW title". Sheamus would raise the belt over his hands as confetti rained down forom the rafters.
-JOHN CENA VS MARK HENRY AND MVP
Mark and MVP would dominate this bout at first, Cena getting token offense and quickly cut off by the other man. MVP hit the Drive By, and Henry hit the World's Strongest Slam, all for a two count. Henry tries another World's Strongest Slam but Cena counters with a DDT. MVP goes for the Drive By but Cena avoids it, hits the 5 Knuckle Shuffle, then an STF for the submission victory. Then, once again, Cena runs like the wind to the back with no explanation whatsoever as we end the show. **1/4
OVERALL SHOW: 70%
Best Segment: Intro Vignette Featuring Undertaker Shilling His Doll
Worst Segment: HTTM guys and Santino singing
Rating for Raw: 6.44
8046 people in attendance.
$321840 from ticket sales.
The event starts with a video package of WWE's top stars, each of them wearing their own T-Shirts. Nothing new with John Cena, but each of them would implore the fans to buy at WWEshop.com, concluding with Undertaker saying, in a straight voice: "BUY MY NEW FULLY POSABLE DOLL! OR YOU WILL REST IN PIECE WITHOUT FOURTEEN JOINTS OF ARTICULATION!"
-The actual show would begin, with the cast of Hot Tub Time Machine coming out to no reaction whatsoever. The three of them would look around, and say "...We don't know the first thing about WWE." Since they had no idea what they were doing, they would hire a consultant for one night only:
"SHANE MCMAHON!"
So the crowd at home was understandably confused when Shawn Micheals came out instead. Shawn would be wearing a black suit and tie, with his hair in a ponytail. He would take the microphone, and everyone waited to hear what Shawn would say as a farewell to his fans:
"Kane, you're fired."
Shawn then dropped the mic and left the ring as we went to commerical, showing tonight's main event.... John Cena vs Mark Henry and MVP?!
-TED DIBIASE VS CODY RHODES
Ted came out to a remix of Ted Sr's theme... any by remix I mean that it sounded like Jake Roberts was halfheartedly singing the "Money Money Money Money Money" chorus. The back and forth battle would feature a sick lariat by DiBiase, and from then DiBiase would mop the floor with Cody, and would start to apply Dream Street.... but Dusty Rhodes would run down the ramp with a chair! Dusty would neck Ted DiBiase with the chair, and Cody would go for the cover, one, two, three. Cole and Lawler would praise Cody Rhodes for his bravery in facing and beating DiBiase despite being mercilessly cheap shotted just 24 hours ago. ***
-Hornswoggle is seen walking backstage, when a hooded figure comes from out of nowhere to ambush him, hitting him with a pipe several times before throwing him through a window. The hooded figure then sees the camera, and runs away full speed.
Commercial Break.
-The Hot Tub Time Machine guys appeared next, in a hot tub with the Bella Twins, who they refer to as "Trish Stratus and her sister Lita" and saying how they were excited to see "John Henry face off against the VIP" in the main event. Before the Bellas can correct them, Daniel Bryan walks in, asking the HTTM crew if they could do him a favor, and let him have "someone, ANYONE" other than The Miz as his mentor. The HTTM guys approve with absolutely no enthusiam, and Bryan walks out. The HTTM guys then fall asleep, much like anyone who was watching this segment did.
SHOMIZ VS CRYME TYME
According to Cole and Lawler, Truth and Morrison were supposed to face ShoMiz, but Cryme Tyme, and I quote "Stole the spot on the card" from Morrison and Truth. Apparently Cryme Tyme has been taking lessons from Carmen Sandiego's gang. The intangible object-stealing babyfaces started strong against Miz but Big Show tagged in and cleaned house, practically beating both Shad and JTG singlehandedly before winning with a Collosal Clutch on Shad. Cryme Tyme would interupt the teams post-match celebration by attacking them when their back is turned, and then, instead of stealing the tag team titles, they stole Miz' shoes. **
-Randy Orton went into the ring, calling out Cody Rhodes. Cody would answer, and the two would brawl, with Orton qucikly gaining the upper hand and hitting an RKO. Then, Dusty Rhodes would rush to the ring, hit some punches and prep the Bionic Elbow, but he would also get RKOed. Then, Jerry Lawler would "be disgusted with Orton's cheap shots" and rush into the ring, clubbing him from behind and hitting him with a piledriver. The babyface trio then beat the holy shazbot out of Orton until the commercial break.
THIS WEEK ON SUPERSTARS: JOHN CENA VS CHRIS JERICHO! CHAMPION VS CHAMPION, NON-TITLE MATCH!
-The Hot Tub Time Machine guys would appear next, waking up dressed in disco clothes. When asking what happened, Santino Marella would come out dressed like Rick Astley, and explain that they ended up going back in time! Santino would then start singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" before the HTTM guys reminded him that Rick Astley wrote that song in 1987. Santino would reply with "70s, 80s, same thing!". The HTTM guys would apparently agree as they sang along with him until mercifully we went to commercial.
-SHEAMUS VS GOLDUST
Once again, Sheamus would get NO OFFENSE WHATSOEVER in this match, Goldust dominating from start to finish, before hitting his Final Cut finisher in less than a minuite to end this squash. Goldust would then get a mic and say "Who's....(pause to feel himself up, deep breath)...Nexxxxxxxxxxt..." and leave the ring. **1/4
Then, the HTTM crew would appear once more, this time with the ECW title. They would congratulate Sheamus for his impressive victory (yes, they said he WON THE MATCH), then awarded him with the, and I am again quoting, "WCW title". Sheamus would raise the belt over his hands as confetti rained down forom the rafters.
-JOHN CENA VS MARK HENRY AND MVP
Mark and MVP would dominate this bout at first, Cena getting token offense and quickly cut off by the other man. MVP hit the Drive By, and Henry hit the World's Strongest Slam, all for a two count. Henry tries another World's Strongest Slam but Cena counters with a DDT. MVP goes for the Drive By but Cena avoids it, hits the 5 Knuckle Shuffle, then an STF for the submission victory. Then, once again, Cena runs like the wind to the back with no explanation whatsoever as we end the show. **1/4
OVERALL SHOW: 70%
Best Segment: Intro Vignette Featuring Undertaker Shilling His Doll
Worst Segment: HTTM guys and Santino singing
Rating for Raw: 6.44
8046 people in attendance.
$321840 from ticket sales.
WRESTLEMANIA XXVI- 3/28/2010
Featuring World Famous Rock Band... Spinal Tap!
HAIR VS MASK: CM Punk vs Rey Mysterio
CM Punk gets hit with the 619, but catches Mysterio's West Coast Pop and transitions it into a Go 2 Sleep for the win. CM Punk then rips Mysterio's mask off, then puts Mysterio in front of his family and holds him in place while Luke Gallows hits Mysterio with a chair. ***3/4
Randy Orton vs Cody Rhodes vs Ted DiBiase
Cody and Ted double team Orton at first, then Ted starts removing the turnbuckle padding while Cody is working over Orton. Cody hits CrossRhodes, but Ted grabs Cody and throws him into the exposed turnbuckle then rolling him up for the win. Afterwards Ted gets on the mic, telling Cody that every man has his price. Orton then RKOs Cody Rhodes, and raises Ted's arm. **
Sheamus vs Triple H
In a mirror of WM12, Triple H absolutely ahnilated Shaemus, pinning him in 90 seconds with a Pedigree. **3/4
UNIFIED TAG TEAM TITLE: ShoMiz vs John Morrison and R-Truth.
Morrison and Truth manage to put Big Show on the ropes, then Truth holds Miz while Morrison goes for the flying kick. Miz ducks, and Morrison cracks Killings with the kick instead. Show frees himself to Knockout Punch Morrison while Miz pins Truth. **1/4
HARDCORE MATCH: Bret Hart vs Mr. McMahon
A complete trainwreck of a match, that ends with McMahon putting Bret Hart in a sharpshooter, and the referee calling for the bell without Hart tapping. Fans throw garbage into the ring. 1/4*
MITB MATCH: Christian vs Dolph Ziggler vs Kane vs Jack Swagger vs MVP vs Matt Hardy vs Evan Bourne vs Drew McIntyre vs Mark Henry vs Yoshi Tatsu
Matt and McIntyre battle on the ladder, Drew knocks Matt off but Evan Bourne springboards onto the ladder(!) and knocks Drew off! Christian pushes the ladder down, then goes for the belt, but Kane gets to the top, Chokeslams (well, more like grabs Christian's throat then shoves him) off the ladder and gets the win. 3/4*
WWE Title: John Cena vs Batista
Batista hits two bombs and a spear, but Cena kicks out each time. Batista goes for another bomb, but Cena drop toe holds him into an STF to become the new champ. Cena then grabs the title and, for no apparent reason, runs like the wind to the back. **1/2
NO DQ: Shawn Micheals vs The Undertaker
Taker gets hit with SCM, but nosells it. Micheals gets a nearfall with the backdrop and flying elbow. Taker hits Last Ride, two count, goes for a tombstone but Shawn reverses it, two count. Shawn tunes up the band, but Kane runs down the ramp (with music and pyro) and chokeslams Shawn. Undertaker is all WTF as Kane leaves the ring. A Tombstone later and the deadman is 18-0. Taker offers HBK a handshake, but instead gets a SCM. ***1/4
World Heavyweight Title: Edge vs Chris Jericho
Edge misses a spear, Jericho fails to get the Walls. Jericho hits a Codebreaker for a two count, a Lionsault gets the knees. The two get up and face off, then, Vickie Guerrero jumps the crowd and clubs Jericho with her shoe! DQ! Edge is FURIOUS and spears her. Jericho then gets up like nothing happened and hits him with a Codebreaker. He then holds up the belt while pointing to his head. ***3/4
Overall show rating: 77%
1.60 buy rate
16833 people in attendance
$4000000 from pay-per-view revenue.
$1009980 from ticket sales.
Featuring World Famous Rock Band... Spinal Tap!
HAIR VS MASK: CM Punk vs Rey Mysterio
CM Punk gets hit with the 619, but catches Mysterio's West Coast Pop and transitions it into a Go 2 Sleep for the win. CM Punk then rips Mysterio's mask off, then puts Mysterio in front of his family and holds him in place while Luke Gallows hits Mysterio with a chair. ***3/4
Randy Orton vs Cody Rhodes vs Ted DiBiase
Cody and Ted double team Orton at first, then Ted starts removing the turnbuckle padding while Cody is working over Orton. Cody hits CrossRhodes, but Ted grabs Cody and throws him into the exposed turnbuckle then rolling him up for the win. Afterwards Ted gets on the mic, telling Cody that every man has his price. Orton then RKOs Cody Rhodes, and raises Ted's arm. **
Sheamus vs Triple H
In a mirror of WM12, Triple H absolutely ahnilated Shaemus, pinning him in 90 seconds with a Pedigree. **3/4
UNIFIED TAG TEAM TITLE: ShoMiz vs John Morrison and R-Truth.
Morrison and Truth manage to put Big Show on the ropes, then Truth holds Miz while Morrison goes for the flying kick. Miz ducks, and Morrison cracks Killings with the kick instead. Show frees himself to Knockout Punch Morrison while Miz pins Truth. **1/4
HARDCORE MATCH: Bret Hart vs Mr. McMahon
A complete trainwreck of a match, that ends with McMahon putting Bret Hart in a sharpshooter, and the referee calling for the bell without Hart tapping. Fans throw garbage into the ring. 1/4*
MITB MATCH: Christian vs Dolph Ziggler vs Kane vs Jack Swagger vs MVP vs Matt Hardy vs Evan Bourne vs Drew McIntyre vs Mark Henry vs Yoshi Tatsu
Matt and McIntyre battle on the ladder, Drew knocks Matt off but Evan Bourne springboards onto the ladder(!) and knocks Drew off! Christian pushes the ladder down, then goes for the belt, but Kane gets to the top, Chokeslams (well, more like grabs Christian's throat then shoves him) off the ladder and gets the win. 3/4*
WWE Title: John Cena vs Batista
Batista hits two bombs and a spear, but Cena kicks out each time. Batista goes for another bomb, but Cena drop toe holds him into an STF to become the new champ. Cena then grabs the title and, for no apparent reason, runs like the wind to the back. **1/2
NO DQ: Shawn Micheals vs The Undertaker
Taker gets hit with SCM, but nosells it. Micheals gets a nearfall with the backdrop and flying elbow. Taker hits Last Ride, two count, goes for a tombstone but Shawn reverses it, two count. Shawn tunes up the band, but Kane runs down the ramp (with music and pyro) and chokeslams Shawn. Undertaker is all WTF as Kane leaves the ring. A Tombstone later and the deadman is 18-0. Taker offers HBK a handshake, but instead gets a SCM. ***1/4
World Heavyweight Title: Edge vs Chris Jericho
Edge misses a spear, Jericho fails to get the Walls. Jericho hits a Codebreaker for a two count, a Lionsault gets the knees. The two get up and face off, then, Vickie Guerrero jumps the crowd and clubs Jericho with her shoe! DQ! Edge is FURIOUS and spears her. Jericho then gets up like nothing happened and hits him with a Codebreaker. He then holds up the belt while pointing to his head. ***3/4
Overall show rating: 77%
1.60 buy rate
16833 people in attendance
$4000000 from pay-per-view revenue.
$1009980 from ticket sales.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Introduction
This scenario is inspired by reading the excellent Death of WCW book. If you somehow haven't read this already I strongly reccomend it.
*ahem*
Some say Vince McMahon is the greatest wrestling promoter of all time. Others, like myself, disagree. Is he a great businessman? Absolutely. But in terms of creating a quality product, well... at least he's not the worst of all time in that regard.
...But, what if, one day, Vince McMahon had suddenly become the worst of all time? What if he ended up putting together shows that would be worse than anything that a team of Jim Herd, Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo and David McClane could come up with? Could the seemingly invincible empire, the (pun intended) Titan of the industry finally fall? Or will WWE's fanbase continue to watch even as the content reaches new depths?
Only one way to find out what happens when WWE becomes the Worst Wrestling Ever.
This scenario uses EWR 4.2, with the March 2010 update data. Game started at March 1st but no actual booking takes place until March 28th, Wrestlemania. A "Guest Host" worker has been added to WWE's roster, with no ring ability whatsoever and 70 Over/70 Charisma, for realism purposes. I also added another trainer to staff. Other new hirings/firings will not happen until after WM.
Pre-WM, the following injuries have taken place:
Shelton Benjamin (Tricep Strain, 2 Mo)
Heath Slater (Back Injury, 1 Mo)
Due to Shelton's injury, a MITB qualifier was made between Mark Henry and Yoshi Tatsu, which ended in a no contest after Drew McIntyre interfered in their Superstars confrontation. Theodore Long would use his GM position to rule that both of them would go to MITB.
WrestleMania Card (Using Wikipedia as a reference):
1. Randy Orton vs Cody Rhodes vs Ted DiBiase
2. Triple H vs Shaemus
3. Tag Title Match: ShoMiz© vs R-Truth and John Morrison
4. Street Fight: Bret Hart vs Vince McMahon
5. MITB Match (10-man battle royal in-game): Christian vs Dolph Ziggler vs Kane vs Jack Swagger vs MVP vs Matt Hardy vs Evan Bourne vs Drew McIntyre vs Mark Henry vs Yoshi Tatsu
6. WWE title: Batista© vs John Cena
7. Street Fight: Undertaker vs Shawn Micheals
8. World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho© vs Edge
*ahem*
Some say Vince McMahon is the greatest wrestling promoter of all time. Others, like myself, disagree. Is he a great businessman? Absolutely. But in terms of creating a quality product, well... at least he's not the worst of all time in that regard.
...But, what if, one day, Vince McMahon had suddenly become the worst of all time? What if he ended up putting together shows that would be worse than anything that a team of Jim Herd, Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo and David McClane could come up with? Could the seemingly invincible empire, the (pun intended) Titan of the industry finally fall? Or will WWE's fanbase continue to watch even as the content reaches new depths?
Only one way to find out what happens when WWE becomes the Worst Wrestling Ever.
This scenario uses EWR 4.2, with the March 2010 update data. Game started at March 1st but no actual booking takes place until March 28th, Wrestlemania. A "Guest Host" worker has been added to WWE's roster, with no ring ability whatsoever and 70 Over/70 Charisma, for realism purposes. I also added another trainer to staff. Other new hirings/firings will not happen until after WM.
Pre-WM, the following injuries have taken place:
Shelton Benjamin (Tricep Strain, 2 Mo)
Heath Slater (Back Injury, 1 Mo)
Due to Shelton's injury, a MITB qualifier was made between Mark Henry and Yoshi Tatsu, which ended in a no contest after Drew McIntyre interfered in their Superstars confrontation. Theodore Long would use his GM position to rule that both of them would go to MITB.
WrestleMania Card (Using Wikipedia as a reference):
1. Randy Orton vs Cody Rhodes vs Ted DiBiase
2. Triple H vs Shaemus
3. Tag Title Match: ShoMiz© vs R-Truth and John Morrison
4. Street Fight: Bret Hart vs Vince McMahon
5. MITB Match (10-man battle royal in-game): Christian vs Dolph Ziggler vs Kane vs Jack Swagger vs MVP vs Matt Hardy vs Evan Bourne vs Drew McIntyre vs Mark Henry vs Yoshi Tatsu
6. WWE title: Batista© vs John Cena
7. Street Fight: Undertaker vs Shawn Micheals
8. World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho© vs Edge
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