WWE Raw 3/29/10

WWE Raw 3/29/2010

The event starts with a video package of WWE's top stars, each of them wearing their own T-Shirts. Nothing new with John Cena, but each of them would implore the fans to buy at WWEshop.com, concluding with Undertaker saying, in a straight voice: "BUY MY NEW FULLY POSABLE DOLL! OR YOU WILL REST IN PIECE WITHOUT FOURTEEN JOINTS OF ARTICULATION!"

-The actual show would begin, with the cast of Hot Tub Time Machine coming out to no reaction whatsoever. The three of them would look around, and say "...We don't know the first thing about WWE." Since they had no idea what they were doing, they would hire a consultant for one night only:
"SHANE MCMAHON!"

So the crowd at home was understandably confused when Shawn Micheals came out instead. Shawn would be wearing a black suit and tie, with his hair in a ponytail. He would take the microphone, and everyone waited to hear what Shawn would say as a farewell to his fans:

"Kane, you're fired."

Shawn then dropped the mic and left the ring as we went to commerical, showing tonight's main event.... John Cena vs Mark Henry and MVP?!

-TED DIBIASE VS CODY RHODES
Ted came out to a remix of Ted Sr's theme... any by remix I mean that it sounded like Jake Roberts was halfheartedly singing the "Money Money Money Money Money" chorus. The back and forth battle would feature a sick lariat by DiBiase, and from then DiBiase would mop the floor with Cody, and would start to apply Dream Street.... but Dusty Rhodes would run down the ramp with a chair! Dusty would neck Ted DiBiase with the chair, and Cody would go for the cover, one, two, three. Cole and Lawler would praise Cody Rhodes for his bravery in facing and beating DiBiase despite being mercilessly cheap shotted just 24 hours ago. ***

-Hornswoggle is seen walking backstage, when a hooded figure comes from out of nowhere to ambush him, hitting him with a pipe several times before throwing him through a window. The hooded figure then sees the camera, and runs away full speed.

Commercial Break.

-The Hot Tub Time Machine guys appeared next, in a hot tub with the Bella Twins, who they refer to as "Trish Stratus and her sister Lita" and saying how they were excited to see "John Henry face off against the VIP" in the main event. Before the Bellas can correct them, Daniel Bryan walks in, asking the HTTM crew if they could do him a favor, and let him have "someone, ANYONE" other than The Miz as his mentor. The HTTM guys approve with absolutely no enthusiam, and Bryan walks out. The HTTM guys then fall asleep, much like anyone who was watching this segment did.

SHOMIZ VS CRYME TYME

According to Cole and Lawler, Truth and Morrison were supposed to face ShoMiz, but Cryme Tyme, and I quote "Stole the spot on the card" from Morrison and Truth. Apparently Cryme Tyme has been taking lessons from Carmen Sandiego's gang. The intangible object-stealing babyfaces started strong against Miz but Big Show tagged in and cleaned house, practically beating both Shad and JTG singlehandedly before winning with a Collosal Clutch on Shad. Cryme Tyme would interupt the teams post-match celebration by attacking them when their back is turned, and then, instead of stealing the tag team titles, they stole Miz' shoes. **

-Randy Orton went into the ring, calling out Cody Rhodes. Cody would answer, and the two would brawl, with Orton qucikly gaining the upper hand and hitting an RKO. Then, Dusty Rhodes would rush to the ring, hit some punches and prep the Bionic Elbow, but he would also get RKOed. Then, Jerry Lawler would "be disgusted with Orton's cheap shots" and rush into the ring, clubbing him from behind and hitting him with a piledriver. The babyface trio then beat the holy shazbot out of Orton until the commercial break.

THIS WEEK ON SUPERSTARS: JOHN CENA VS CHRIS JERICHO! CHAMPION VS CHAMPION, NON-TITLE MATCH!

-The Hot Tub Time Machine guys would appear next, waking up dressed in disco clothes. When asking what happened, Santino Marella would come out dressed like Rick Astley, and explain that they ended up going back in time! Santino would then start singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" before the HTTM guys reminded him that Rick Astley wrote that song in 1987. Santino would reply with "70s, 80s, same thing!". The HTTM guys would apparently agree as they sang along with him until mercifully we went to commercial.

-SHEAMUS VS GOLDUST
Once again, Sheamus would get NO OFFENSE WHATSOEVER in this match, Goldust dominating from start to finish, before hitting his Final Cut finisher in less than a minuite to end this squash. Goldust would then get a mic and say "Who's....(pause to feel himself up, deep breath)...Nexxxxxxxxxxt..." and leave the ring. **1/4

Then, the HTTM crew would appear once more, this time with the ECW title. They would congratulate Sheamus for his impressive victory (yes, they said he WON THE MATCH), then awarded him with the, and I am again quoting, "WCW title". Sheamus would raise the belt over his hands as confetti rained down forom the rafters.

-JOHN CENA VS MARK HENRY AND MVP

Mark and MVP would dominate this bout at first, Cena getting token offense and quickly cut off by the other man. MVP hit the Drive By, and Henry hit the World's Strongest Slam, all for a two count. Henry tries another World's Strongest Slam but Cena counters with a DDT. MVP goes for the Drive By but Cena avoids it, hits the 5 Knuckle Shuffle, then an STF for the submission victory. Then, once again, Cena runs like the wind to the back with no explanation whatsoever as we end the show. **1/4

OVERALL SHOW: 70%
Best Segment: Intro Vignette Featuring Undertaker Shilling His Doll
Worst Segment: HTTM guys and Santino singing
Rating for Raw: 6.44
8046 people in attendance.
$321840 from ticket sales.