4/12/09- RAW IS BACKLUND

4/12/09 RAW
Guest Host: Bob Backlund

-We open with a shot of Bob Backlund, in slacks, a shirt, bowtie and suspenders, entering his office for the evening. On the office is a desk with clacking balls, a drinking bird, and a potato sculpture of Bob holding the WWF title in the air. Bob looks at the desk, then to Eve Torres.

Bob: "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"

Eve: "This is what you asked for...."

Bob: "NO IT'S NOT!"

Bob picks up the potato sculpture.

Bob: "This was made from Idaho brand potatoes. I CAN TELL! I am an expert on potatoes!"

Eve: "That's a problem?"

Bob: "I HATE IDAHO! THE STATE AND THE POTATOES!"

Bob throws the potato statue at the wall.

Bob: "I WANT ANOTHER ONE! Made from Ore Ida potatoes. THOSE ARE THE BEST POTATOES FOR SCULPTING! Do it, or you're fired!"

Eve: "It took eight hours to make it!"

Bob: "You have forty-three minuites twelve seconds!"

Eve rushes out.

-Meanwhile, Chavo Guerrero is in the back with Randy Orton.

Chavo: Randy, what's wrong?

Orton: I'm... sad. The fans... I don't think... they like me.

Chavo: You know why Orton? Because you're a robot, dude. You need to lighten up. Ever heard of LOLcats?

Orton: ...No.

Chavo: Here look..... (Chavo gets an iPhone and holds it up to Orton)

Orton: These cats... they're so cute.... and these captions...

Pause. Orton smiles.

Orton: ...lol...

-TED DIBIASE VS CHRISTIAN
A solid opening bout that showcased both men for a short time. Christian did the obligatory Failed Killswitch and Ted hit Dream Street, but Cody ran into the ring and jumped on him for the DQ, then continued to beat on him until he was bloody. Meanwhile King and Cole were praising Cody for being a true hero. **1/2

-After the commercial we see Bob Backlund and Santino Marella backstage, dressed in each other's outfit.

"Santino": I'm a reala biga fana ofa yours, Boba Barker! You area the best-
"Bob": Woah woah woah. I'm Bob BACKLUND!
"Santino": That'ts whata I say! Boba Barker! Anyway, I thinka the fansa woulda likea to seea... Rica Flair fighting Jima Duggan, eh pizan?
"Bob": Capital idea! And I'll make the referee someone who will sympathize with Bret Hart... his cousin Jimmy!
"Santino": They'rea related?
"Bob": Well they ARE both named Hart...
"Santino": That isa gooda idea...

-JAKE ROBERTS VS JIM DUGGAN (Special Referee: Jimmy Hart)
Why Jake Roberts was in this match and not Flair is never explained. Pretty much what you would expect from these two, up until Jimmy Hart smacks Duggan with the megaphone allowing Jake to DDT Duggan for the three count. Afterwards Bob Backlund would rush down the ramp to even the odds and clear the ring. 1/4*

-Bob Backlund would then take the mic, and declare the new ECW champion to be Kofi Kingston.

-JOHN CENA VS CHRIS MASTERS
Typical Cena vs Midcarder match with Cena countering a MasterLock attempt with a drop toe hold and the STF for the win. After the match, Cena would flee to the back, yelling "MY CRANBERRY MUFFINS!" *1/2

-SHEAMUS VS GAIL KIM
Bell rings. Gail Kim gets a small package, 1, 2, 3. Afterwards Glen Jacobs rushes down the ramp and chokeslams both Sheamus and Gail. 1/2*

-Glen chokeslams Sheamus over the ropes, SPIKING him on his head. Shawn Micheals comes in through the crowd and Sweet Chin Musics Glen, then gets a mic.

Shawn: "I talked to Vince... and I talked to Undertaker. And you know what? IT'S ON! Extreme Rules, you and me, LADDER MATCH! We'll put a WWE contract and your belt above the ring, and whoever gets them, keeps them. And Glen, whoever loses... never steps foot in a WWE arena again. No farewell speech, no guest host on Raw... you won't even be allowed to bring your family to a show even if you buy tickets. NOTHING!"

-Goldust was walking backstage... in the background Eve was rushing along carrying a potato statue of Bob Backlund...

-GOLDUST VS BATISTA
Glorified squash with Batista only getting token offense before having his head stuffed into Goldust's tights for the Golden Globes and the pinfall. And once again Goldust asked "WHO'S" *deep breath, grope himself* "NEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXT!" ***3/4

OVERALL RATING 71%
Highlight: Chavo shows Randy Orton a LOLcat 86%
Lowlight: Robets/Duggan 60%
We got a 6.51 rating for 'Raw'!
The attendance level was 8010 people.
We made $320400 from ticket sales.